My Exciting News - Details

I realize people might be annoyed that my news is just about a job promotion.  But - it isn't just a job promotion to me. As with everything in the world of public accounting  - proper protocol has to be followed before an announcement like this is made, especially through social media.  Not to mention I needed to let the people I supported, my friends  for the last 6 years, know what was going on  before I announced it to the world.  So before I get into the details I just want to say, sorry for stringing everyone along with my very vauge facebook posts.

Some of you are probably wondering why this 180 degree turn?  Most close friends have known for awhile now that I have been planning to become a stay at home mom in April.  I had my heart set on it.  Why?  I wasn't really sure. I battled myself into utter turmoil over staying home.  A few people I love dearly have recently become SAHMs and they seem super happy.  I thought that if I stayed home with my miracle child that maybe I would experience some celestial bliss that everyone else was experiencing. So I made up my mind to do it.  I wanted to finish busy season at Deloitte and give notice in April.   I refused to consider ANY other options.  I am just  exhausted with making my life about other people and I wasn't going to do it anymore, unless it was  for the loves of my life - Kellen and Matt. 

I truly adore the people I support at Deloitte - it has been what has kept me going for the last 6 years.  2 of those years were surrounded in adoption turmoil.  When you go through something like we went through with the adoption process, your family and friends are the ONLY thing, aside from GOD that can get you through it with your sanity intact.  The Deloitte family - literally carried me. We would not have Kellen if it was not for their encouragement to keep going, their words of wisdom, and their tolerance of my deteriorated emotional state. I know I was very difficult to be friends with during this time.  I can never say thank you enough nor do I think that any of these people truly understand the impact they had on me.  With that said - leaving Deloitte has proven to be a very burdensome decision.

As of March 12, I will be an employee of Ernst & Young working as part of the Global Mobilty Team within the Human Capital group.  I will be doing work very similar to what I did at Plante & Moran, however, it will be geared to Expats.  I will no longer be an Assistant.  My role will be more paraprofessional in nature.  I will have the flexibility to work from home, make my own hours, work on my own projects and not have to manage anyone.  I will be responsible for me and only me.  I will also have the opportunity of working with a good friend.  We will make a great team.  I will be working more, and the work will be more complicated but I am really looking forward to being challenged technically  - again!

The ironic benefit of this position is that it will be working with Expats.  Matt and I have had a long standing dream about moving to the UK. Last year he almost transferred as an expat to Scotland.  We turned it down because it was not the right move for his career at that time (Yes! I said "we", because Matt and I make these decisions together).  However, he has made it known that we would like to end up there for a 3-5 year assignment some time in the future.  By the time we go, I will be an expert in this arena and that.....CAN'T! BE! COINCIDENCE!

Once I heard about this position and realized how excited I was about it, I realized that I was only excited to stay home because I was tired of the work I have been doing over the last six years, and I wanted a very long break. I have nothing to lose - if I go to E&Y and I hate it, I can always stay home.  But for once in my life I am going to live on the edge and take this risk and see where it leads me!

I have to stay thank you to my husband for dealing with me the last two years.  I have been miserable with myself, knowing that I should make a change but not doing it out of fear.  Something - I tell people all the time.  "Don't let fear hold you back" for me, it was fear of disappointing the people I love so much at Deloitte.  Fear of failing.  Fear of not being as good at client work as I was before.  Fear is just a roadblock to happiness.  Fear has kept me from so many things in life.  Not this time............

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Cyber Green Monday? Huh??

Something I am finding difficult this Holiday season, shopping.  I know it probably doesn't seem like this would be a problem but it is.  The reason being, I love sales.  I love getting a great deal because I like to get the biggest bang for my buck.  That said, I am not a couponer.  I don't have time to do all that.  However, I do clip some coupons and get coupons in the mail all the time from the stores I love;  Gap, Gymboree, Lands End, et al.  The only shopping I have done to date is for Kellen. Which means I will have to do it all between now and next weekend.  I just don't feel like doing it, mostly because I am so mad at the retailers.

Has anyone noticed the insane amount of "only through today sales?"  Apparently this past Monday was Cyber Green Monday. I just googled it because I didn't have any idea what this was. You can read about it by clicking the link.  At any rate, I feel polarized about buying anything because I don't really know if there will be a better sale between now and Christmas.  I am almost thinking about not buying anything.  I feel guilty about buying stuff if I can't get a good deal.  I guess I will just have to bite the bullet and give in.

Long Day - Whew

I woke up this morning eagerly anticipating an amazing holiday lunch hosted by our OMPs wife at their home.  She puts on a spectacular lunch and is an amazing host.  This year it was going to be extra special because more than likely it will be the last one. On my drive in to the office, I was thinking about how warm and inviting their home is and how beautifully decorated it always is for Christmas. It is the perfect home!

I left the house early this morning so I could get to work a little bit earlier than normal and get organized so I would be ready to leave for the holiday lunch on time.  I was planning to drive a few people, including one of my most favorite coworkers (CE).  I looked at the gas gauge and realized I needed to stop and get gas if I was going to be driving north.  I stopped, filled up and applied my lipstick thinking this is going to be an AMAZING day! I was quickly brought back down from my adrenaline high, when I received a call from Matt.

 Kellen was sick.  He had a fever and had thrown up.  I guess he was just laying around not wanting to move. Matt had to go to work because his AOP is due.  He had worked on it until 10pm last night. He also had several important meetings today. I vocally expressed - WHY TODAY?! I immediately felt bad for Kellen and sad for me.  Obviously, my son is more important than a lunch but I was still disappointed.

 I was already on the highway so I decided to  just finish the drive in and get my laptop so that I could work at home -which ended up being pointless because I didn't have a single minute to do any work.  I ended up taking the poor kiddo to the doctor. He hates going to the doctor. We got there, the nurse and the doctor checked him out and felt like it wasn't anything serious.  Just a viral infection of some sort.  I was relieved because he was acting really sick compared to normal.  Doc said to just make sure he keeps drinking water etc.

We left the Ped's office and headed over to the store to get milk, advil and tylenol, since we were out of all three. I came home unloaded Kellen and the stuff from the car and checked my phone.  A  friend, who's daughter is in Kellen's daycare class, mentioned that both her daughters had strep throat. The girls had the exact same symptoms as Kellen.  Yet, her pediatrician swabbed her kids throats to check for Strep.  Mine did not.  I started to freak out.  Strep is very contagious.  Kellen and her daughter are very close.  They are around each other all the time.  If she had it, I think it would be probable for Kellen to have it as well given the proximity the kids have to each other.  So , I called my pediatrician back and explained this and asked them if I should bring him back to be checked for strep.  The nurse was very irritated with me.  I told her I just wanted to make sure because it was Friday.  She said it is highly unusual for  a child Kellen's age to have strep.  I said, a friend of ours daughter had it and she is the same age.  The nurse said that it was unlikely that she had strep.  I told her she was swabbed and she had it, along with her sister.  The nurse said "fine, you can bring him back and we can swab him or you can just wait until Monday and we can do it then if he doesn't get any better".  I was thinking, why in the Sam-Hell would I wait until Monday if he is sick now, and I know that the other two kids have it?!  I just got snippy and said I would take him to immediate care.  She didn't like that.  She told me to bring him back in and she would do it just to make sure. So I packed him up and drove him back to the office.  Poor K, he was just miserable.

He didn't have it, Thank God.

Why do they like to make you feel like you are crazy for wanting to make sure your child is ok?  I don't take him in every other week for an ailment. It's like they are just annoyed with having to do their job.  I don't get it.  Needless to say, I don't believe all pediatrician offices are like this but I will be looking for a new pediatrician.   


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Feelings

I can't be the only woman on the planet that struggles with guilt. Or am I? 

First of all, I love my husband and my son very much.  I am finding it very difficult to manage work, home and relationships.  I feel overwhelmed with guilt because I can't make it all work.  Do I want to work - yes, Do I want to have a strong marriage - yes, Do I want to have a beautiful well rounded child - yes.  I just don't seem to be able to do all three.  I have changed. I knew it was going to happen but I don't think others in my life did.  There are things I find important that Matt doesn't.  I worry about everything, he worries about nothing. It is hard to find a common ground right now.  I feel alone.   Like I am on a stranded island.  I don't feel depressed.  I feel misunderstood and most of all I am finding it hard to find the "right" words to express how I feel.  It seems that no matter how I word something it isn't understood.  And if I try to explain something, for some reason it is taken seriously until I am upset about it. I am barely treading water right now.  I have to remember so many things for so many people and I am about to break.  Oh, of course everyone can say "no you don't, stop feeling like you have to be perfect etc." but realistically, if I forget something or do something wrong the world will come to an end.  Think about it...my job is to monitor things for another person right?  so if I forget something there I am screwed.  I have to remember things for Kellen and if I don't then someone will be irritated, whether it is Matt or Daycare.  Then I have a very intelligent husband who is amazing at what he does but he is very forgetful (both Jason and Mom have witnessed this as they have lived with us and witnessed how many times he has left his wallet at home etc.) I have to constantly be on the watch for his "stuff" - papers, wallet, keys, medicine, eye drops, etc. he doesn't ask me to do this but if I don't he will spent tons of time trying to find this stuff.  Now, I am not complaining about it, I am just saying I have done it for 9 years and this year it is much more difficult because having a baby has made me scatter brained (I never thought this was going to happen to me but it did). I don't regret it - I just wish Matt understood that every woman goes through this.  It isn't just me.  I don't feel supported right now.  I also have absolutely no energy by 8 pm.  I have to stay up late to get laundry done or do what I couldn't get done before Kellen went to bed. For example, staying up until 5 am to put the Christmas tree up for Matt & Kellen.  I wasn't going to do it, but out of fear of being labeled a Grinch or stealing my sons first real Christmas away by not decorating - I felt compelled to do it.  Did I WANT to stay up that late?  Hell no.  I wanted to go to bed at 2.  I don't get much sleep and rarely get to sleep in.  But I did it.  I don't really know if it was appreciated or not I just know that I was told by several people I was crazy for doing it. But tell me, how I would have ever gotten it done while Kellen was awake?  It would have NEVER happened.  It took 8 hours to get all the crap out, go through it, decorate and put it back.

Here is another thing that bothers me - when Kellen gets hurt who ever is around says "get used to it, he is a boy" - I am sorry but I do not accept that.  As a parent it is MY JOB and YOUR JOB to watch your kid and prevent injuries, granted you cannot prevent them all but by God, if you are standing there and you see a possible hazard you better step to it and prevent it. Not doing so is NEGLIGENT. Also when you become a parent your thought process needs to change because everything could be a danger.  Every decision you make should be prefaced with - how can I be safe about this?  DO NOT EVER SAY TO ME - get used to it he is a boy.  That is pure BS.  Yes, they are rough, play harder than girls and seem to be very curious and daring but getting used to my Kid getting hurt is NEVER going to happen.  That is like saying - oh I saw little Johnny getting the crap beat out of them but it happens all the time so I am not going to do anything because I am used to seeing it.  Seriously....boys feel pain just like girls.  Little boys also need to know that they can trust their parents (DADS too) when something happens to them.  They need to know their parents care enough about them to keep them safe.  I do not believe I can keep him from ever getting hurt but he will know I care because when he does get hurt I will pick him up, tell him he is ok and that it will be ok.  I will also never tell my child, oh you got hurt that is what you deserve for not listening - because that is crap too.  If they put themselves in danger - your job is to protect them from getting hurt!!!  No wonder so many MEN in this country are jacked up.  Their parents just said "oh well you are a boy you just get to be hurt because boys get hurt more often than girls"  or treat them like their pain doesn't matter.  Good grief, a strong man is a man who can admit and be honest about his feelings without fear of being made fun of etc and I will go to hell and back to raise Kellen to be that kind of MAN!  His pain matters, his feelings matter and I want him to trust me to always make the best decision for him!  It is hard but I will.

I refuse to be a lazy parent!  I will keep doing the hard things because it is the right thing to do by my child.  I don't want him to ever have to feel the way I felt or the way my brothers felt when we were little kids.

The thing I love about daycare....

... walking in to pick Kellen up after a long day.  I pull up, walk in and walk down the hall to his classroom.  I peek through the window to see what he is doing before he sees me.  I watch him for about 5 minutes as he plays on the floor with various things; books, cups, blocks, etc. Lately he is crawling around to the different play stations trying to decide what he wants to do.  Once I have soaked up enough of his cuteness to make me feel like the luckiest person on the planet, I walk in very slowly.  I stand at the door for a few seconds and call his name "Kellen-ator!".  Everyday, he follows the same reaction routine in which he turns toward my voice, stops what he is doing, looks up at me for a couple seconds and then screams with the biggest smile on his face.  I used to walk over and pick him up but  now that he can crawl he speeds over to me and reaches for me to pick him up.  I look into his eyes and say "Hi Buddy- did you have a good day?" - and kiss him repeatedly on his cheeks until he screams again.  I then say "let's go see daddy" and he shakes his arms and screams "heyyyyyyyyy".

Love could not be more perfect than this.

My kid knows he is loved from the minute his daddy wakes him  up to get ready in the morning to the minute I lay him down to sleep at night.

Bliss.

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