DNA Test

I am getting a lot of questions about the status of the DNA Test. As of today we have not heard any more news. We ordered it (meaning our attorney requested he do it before our court date) when we first found out about the man contesting. This doesn't mean this man is court ordered to comply. He can take his time to do whatever he wants. We have a court date on February 3 where this man will have to prove his identity and at that time we are going to ask the judge to mandate a due date by when the results need to be in.

Our attorney has advised us that this could take months to resolve. Why? Because the court appointed this nameless man an attorney. It is more than likely, that when we go to court the man will likely not show up. This is the experience our attorney has had in these situations. THIS DOES NOT MEAN the case is dismissed. This means that we will end up rescheduling court dates as many times as neccesary until this guy can make the drive from Gary, IN to Indianapolis, IN.

For now we know nothing and unfortunately, this is way it will be. We are in limbo until everything is resolved.

Keep in mind, things can change in a miliseconds notice so by this afternoon something else could happen. We are virtually powerless in this situation. All because she said he was dead, rather than having him sign papers.

I will create a new post as soon as I know more.

Thanks everyone!

Unmasking Myself

I feel like rambling on and on about nothing but I can't. Why? Because I am a perfectionist. I can't ramble if I think people I know, who might respect me, will see my rambling, critique it and quite possibly lose respect for me. The thought of people losing respect for me is gut wrenching and almost intolerable. For the sake of my self revelation I am going to do it anyway and see where this ends. I don't have an outline or a plan. I just know I feel like expressing myself for the moment and so I write:

I have spent so much of my life in fear. Fear of people discovering the real me. Who is the real me? I decided to explore this question further by examining myself and see if I could better understand why I feel this way - by means of a journal. In my journaling, I have been praying about it and asking God to reveal the answers to me. What I have discovered is that the fear is related to Political Correctness. I am a conservative, so why would I care? All I can say is paralyzing fear. Fear that people will think I am a Holly Rolling Extremist. But I am not and so the real me takes off the PC Mask. What I am learning about myself is that the real me wants a life fully loaded with things of Christ. I want every aspect of my life to show God is the owner of my car not just the driver. My mask free living begins with living a life fully devoted to showing the world that Christ lives in me. I begin by showing the love that has been revealed to me, to everyone in my life. I just want to love people - all people; those I work with, those I meet on the streets, my friends, friends of friends, and family. It is a desire that is welling up inside me and I feel it may burst at any moment.

I am at the crossroads. Being at home with a child, studying my bible and walking through a valley (adoption) will do that to you I guess. God uses circumstances to reveal himself very clearly in your life. You can choose to follow him through the battlefield, knowing HE is the victor or you can put God in a box and limit him to intellectualized logic. Hence the crossroads. If you choose to intellectualize God, you are severly limiting the power he has in your life. God wants to do amazing things in everyone's life, but it really involves pure unadulterated FAITH. There is no power like the power of the God who created our universe. God wants to reward you with it. Pick up a bible or click here and read Hebrews 11:6.

I am sure the ones to dismiss this post will be those who want proof that God exists. I can't scientifically prove it but I guess my first question is, why do we think we need to have all the answers to all the questions in the universe? What is wrong with not having the answer once in awhile? What purpose does knowing everything serve? What does it really get us? There is always the cliche' that Knowledge is power? Power over what though? Power to limit God from working miracles if you ask me. Don't get me wrong, I love information. I am a data gathering fool - it is part of my personality that I cannot make decisions without having all the data at my hands. Faith is difficult. God never said it was easy but that is why it is called FAITH. Being a person that thrives on facts, faith is hard work for me, but I know I would not be where I am today if it were not for God's mighty hand saving me from a terrible childhood. I was a kid, I could not save myself. God put people in my life to show me and teach me that I could call on him when I needed him and he would always guide me in making the best decisions.

For most of my adult life people have said to me that I am a hardworker, I care about things, I never give up and that I always make the right decision. These are not talents. Working hard is a choice. Anyone can work hard if they choose to. I never give up or quit things because I choose to go on. This is not a talent or skill either. These are choices. Everyone on this planet has the capability of making a choice. Sometimes I make the harder choice but that isn't a skill or a talent, it is a direct result of praying to my mighty Lord and asking him to give me wisdom and knowledge to make the right choices and almost always asking God to help me make the selfless choice.

My Lord is always bringing me through and he is the reason I can keep going when it comes to this adoption. He gives me hope. I refuse to even think that God is causing this drama. He is allowing it for a period, and he will bring us through. This I know, because he has NEVER let me down. As I write about our adoption fall throughs, I do not believe they are let downs and they are certainly not God's punishment. They are the situations that lead to the most perfect, amazing, lovable, beautiful little boy that is my son. My God is bigger than any DNA test. My God is my deliverer and he cannot be defeated. Kellen is not going anywhere, because God delivered him to Me and Matt. P.E.R.I.O.D.

Birth mom #3 – An Honorable Mention

Birth mom #3 is going to remain nameless. Why? Because she is insignificant pen mark on the birth mom rating scale of “How Traumatizing Was This for Matt and Sarah?”

Why mention it then?

Well it gives you an idea of what we have had to deal with when it comes to the agency we work with. This in itself is ½ of the stress of adoption. The agency acts as a vehicle to bring birth mothers into the picture for adoptive couples. In a fully private adoption, we would have had to advertise on our own which would have been more difficult, more time consuming and even more expensive. We thought that since the founder of our agency had a marketing degree and had several reach out programs for expectant mothers that this would be a great thing for us. Given what we know now, we may have just spent the extra cash to avoid all of the “issues” we had.

If you recall from the previous post, I mentioned that we were required to make a list (on several different sets of paperwork) of things we were not open to. We listed:

No Twins
No Meth/Crack Use
No Disability

I explained why we were not open to meth/crack and disabilities, so now I will explain why we were not open to twins.

Twins are actually a blessing. If I were able to get pregnant and was expecting twins, I know that I would embrace it with all my heart and somehow, like most people do, figure out how to make it work. The issues for us are emotional capability and financial stability. While I believe that we are mature enough to handle twins it is hard to say how we would deak if we were actually in the the situation. Having a baby in itself is life changing. Children are a gift from God but they are a tremendous amount of work. Especially, if you want to raise them right, with the proper amount of care and attention. We knew it would more than likely be a strange adjustment for us and coming from broken homes, we wanted to make sure we did not bite off more than we could chew. Remember, we have been married for 8 years and together for almost 12. We have been able to do whatever we want when we want because we have really had no responsibilities – except for the pups. You can board pups when you go on vacation and you don’t have to clothe them or send them to college. Children are an entirely different ball game.

Twins would mean taking all the challenges we were going to have to face and multiplying it by two all at once, including costs; daycare, diapers, clothes, etc.

Now the part that doesn't make any sense.

I explained in my first post that after the situation with Frances we expected our adoption counselor to call Matt with the opportunities and inquiries. I had determined there was a personality conflict and that I could not communicate with her. Why? Because I felt like she was flighty. I have a hard time communicating with people who can’t keep stories straight. If you have a bad memory – take notes. More so, when it is your job and I am paying you thousands upon thousands of dollars to do said job you best be on your A game. I am not paying you for the fun of paying you.

Anyway, One day - I get a call on my cell. I saw who it was an immediately became anxious. It was our counselor. I answered.

“Hi Sarah, it’s A. I am calling with good news. I have a birth mom and birth father here that just finished looking at your bio and they are very very excited about you and Matt. They are a bi-racial couple. She is black and he is white. They love your bio. Can you come meet them today?”

Oh, Oh My Gosh! Really? Well, we can’t meet today because Matt works in Columbus and he is 45 minutes away. You will need to call Matt on his cell phone and see what works for him”

“Oh, ok. Well they are really excited. They have chosen you guys so the sooner you meet them the better.”

I hung up and called Matt and told him she would be calling him.

Matt called me about 35 minutes later and said “I am not exactly sure how this happened but they showed our profile to a couple expecting twins. Twin Boys actually – due in January.”

I was annoyed. “Wait, huh - we indicated on our paperwork that we were not open to twins. Why on earth did our profile get shown to a couple having twins? First the disability and now this? It seems like they are just ignoring our wishes.”

Matt's response to me was “Yeah I am not quite sure, but I told her that we were not open to twins and asked her to make sure that she checks our paperwork next time before showing us again. I am also going to call the director and double check all the paperwork.”

He called and the agency told him – "You are right. We are very sorry. We showed you and we aren’t sure why. It will not happen again."

Now, at the time, this is was not that big of an issue. But later, a few months after this it actually becomes a bigger issue. I was very annoyed though since it just seems like a blatant disregard for what we have requested in our adoption experience. How hard is it to just pay attention to paperwork? Apparently, more difficult than I thought.

Even though we were not open to twins, I still felt a little let down. Every time an opportunity presents itself there is an emotional high that you experience. What if THIS is the one. You allow yourself to think and talk about potentials and when the opportunity goes away you feel sad and wonder when the next call will come.

Birth Mom #2 of 8 - An Emotional Wreck

One of the things you have to do when you first sign up for adoption is decide what types of things you will accept when it comes to a birth mom, a newborn or infant (depending on what age you are considering). These decisions include issues such as a smoking, drug use, alcohol use, prescription drug use, physical/mental handicaps, twins, etc. When we were approached about our “list” of things we would accept we were a bit confused by all the different effects certain drugs had on a fetus. One thing we knew for certain was that I would not, nor would I probably ever be, emotionally capable of dealing with certain physical or mental handicaps. Not because I am not smart enough to gain the skills necessary to take care of a child with a handicap but because I am significantly affected emotionally when I hear examples about this kind of thing. Another big reason I didn’t think I could handle a birth defect was because I have experience with it already on a day to day basis Some of you may or may not know this already, but my younger brother has complex partial epilepsy. He started having seizures his senior year in high school but was not fully diagnosed until he turned 21.His entire life changed and suddenly he could not do the things he had always done without fear of a seizure putting him in terrible danger

I remember the night I found out about his seizures. It was very strange. I came back to visit my family from Seattle and we were driving back to Chico from Sacramento. We had just finished eating dinner at Hungry Hunter. Jason and I were in the back seat laughing our butts off at something Grandpa was saying to Grandma. The next thing I know, Jason is looking at me drooling but trying to say something to me like “be quiet” but it was not audible or understandable. He turned blue and I was in shock. I actually thought he was playing some cruel joke on me. A cruel joke would not be a surprise because he and Grandpa have a strange sense of humor. One that in most cases usually resulted in my grandma getting ready to call 911 for emergency assistance. I am to this day, surprised my grandma never had a heart attack from the “jokes” they liked to play. Anyway, come to find out Jason was having seizures and was later diagnosed with epilepsy. He was now the same person unable to do things he had always done without a huge risk to his life. He was in denial for a really long time and we were all very worried for him. Imagine driving a car from the time you were sixteen, you had a sense of freedom – no one could take that away. Suddenly Jason had no more freedom. It wasn’t just painful for him though, it was painful for everyone. We all wanted to help or fix it but just could not it. Years later we have all adjusted but there is an ever-present fear that something might happen to him.

Epilepsy is carried on by our dad’s side of the family. My paternal grandfather had it. We never really knew him and as kids, it was never an issue for us. Then, Jason was diagnosed and everyone’s life changed. He has been in two very serious car accidents and lucky to be alive. He has been on many Rx cocktails to prevent the seizures over the years. They work for awhile but then he ends up having break through seizures. At any rate, he tries to live a normal life but he depends on friends and family heavily. We are always happy to help him but he feels like a burden. He is always nervous to go places because he might have a seizure.
You might be thinking “why is she talking about epilepsy as part of the adoption post?”

I am getting to that. Bear with me.

In order to make a good educated decision about what types of things we were willing to accept or not accept when it came to our child we decided to have a discussion with the pediatrician we had chosen – Dr. Smith.

Dr. Smith explained that some issues are easier to deal with than others. If I were pregnant none of these things would be an issue, but because we are adopting we have to determine the things we can deal with and things that would be biting off way more than we can chew. All of these things are bad and unhealthy for a baby to be exposed to but in adoption you have to give and take or the chances of you being shown to a birth mom are greatly reduced. In fact, if you work with our agency you do not have a choice when it comes to cigarettes because 90% of the birth mothers smoke.

In talking with Dr. Smith we learned:

Cigarette/marijuana smoking will more than likely result in low birth weight, premature birth and issues with asthma and colic. Baby will likely not have defects but there is always a risk. Born addicted to nicotine but will go away with time. Colic is the big issue.

Cocaine & Heroine would cause addiction that can be treated when the baby is born. It would almost be guaranteed to have severe colic.

Meth would result in many different problems. Child would have colic, more than likely mental/physical birth defects, behavioral problems etc.

These are just some of the issues and I can’t explain them all. For the sake of this post I will just let you know that our decision was:

• No twins
• No Meth/Crack Use
• No Disability

Our decision was clearly communicated to the adoption counselor who completed our home study. It was on three or four different pieces of paperwork as well.
Shortly after birth mom # 1 I received a call from the agency. Our adoption counselor said she was excited to tell me that a birth mom had chosen us again. Her name for the sake of this post will be Tina. Tina lived on the Southside of Indy like us. She had three kids and was expecting the 4th – a boy. She could not take care of him since three of her kids had disabilities and she could not afford the care for the three she had. She wanted an open adoption and wanted me to call her when I got home in the evening.

I was shocked when I heard the word disabilities. What the heck? I thought. I know we told them no disabilities. I asked her what the disabilities were. She told me they were related to weak muscles. Ok. That isn’t that big of a deal I guess. Still…we were going to have to have a conversation about this. There is a reason we marked certain things off on the list. I would just talk to Matt about it later and he would make sure they understood.

I got home from work, got my bible out and began to pray for the words to speak to this birthmom. I prayed for words to comfort her and ease her mind about our ability to be parents to her child. I prayed for God to give me the excited tone in my voice t to avoid another situation like we had with birth mom #1. I also prayed for peace and wisdom to discern if this situation didn’t seem right.

I called Tina. The conversation went something like this:

“HI Tina this is Sarah. How are you?”

“Oh Hi, I am ok. The agency told me about you and I was wondering if you could help me figure out of I want to place my son for adoption. I have three kids right now and they all have disabilities. . I don’t work and I am on public assistance. I just got a notice that they was going to turn my power off soon if I don’t find a way to the pay my bill. I am thinking I want to let the lady from first steps adopt my son since she had my kids for a few months a year ago while I got on my feet. She had my kids and she said she would adopt this baby. I get a lot of help from her. The baby’s dad is in jail so I need to figure out how I can pay my bills. Did the agency tell you any of this?”

In my head I panicked “wait what? Trying to decide on adoption? Disabilities? Money? This is like a counseling call, I don’t work for the agency. I am not a sales person – I can’t sell adoption. I can only explain how we will be good parents” Self…try to explain how you will be good parents.

“They mentioned that you had chosen me and my husband as the parents for your child. We are very excited about that. Are you saying you are not sure?”

“Why are you and your husband adopting?”

“I cannot have children for various reasons”

“Wow, you are sooooo lucky. I wish I could not get pregnant. I have sex and get pregnant. Wish I could have sex and not get pregnant. I bet you like that. That would be the greatest thing in the world.”

Thinking to self “wow, planned parenthood gives out free contraceptives that would be a good start. ouch! I really hate when people say things like this to me. It really hurts emotionally. They have no idea what they are saying. Just give her a chance though.”

I respond “Actually no, I really want kids I would give anything to have kids.”

“How long have you been married, what does your husband do?”

“We have been married since 2001. My husband is a CPA.”

“You have been married for a long time. What is a CPA? Do you make good money? Do you take vacations?”

“A CPA is an accountant. We vacation when we can. We go back to MI a lot though. That is where our families llive.”

“What is an accountant? Do you make good money? I bet you make good money. I need money for my lights. Can you ask the agency about that?”

Self “wow…all she is asking about is money? The agency says ignore these questions. This is a good indication she is not going to follow through with an adoption plan. She just wants living expenses. Try to get off the phone by telling her she needs to call the agency about that.”

“Well, you will actually need to speak to the agency about your power bill. I can call you back tomorrow once you talk to them if you want.

“Yeah, I will call them. Do you want to talk to my daughter she is a trip. She can’t walk very well. That is why first steps comes to my house. That lady, she helps me financially when I need the help and she takes us to Mc Donalds once a week. We sometimes go to the zoo as well. Do you think the agency will help with my power bill. I need heat with three kids? My son has epilepsy. I can’t afford his meds either so the first steps lady helps with that when she can. You know this baby is prolly gonna have epilepsy. Do you know what epilepsy is?”

At this point, I knew she was not going to place. She just wanted a way to pay for her power bill. What I was really irritated about was the fact that the agency put me in the position of having to counsel someone into adoption. I was even more angry that they completely disregarded my desire to not be shown to birth moms with a possibility of disability. Why? Because then I would have to say no to the bm. In this situation, I could not take the chance with her because she kept talking about money and because of the epilepsy. I am not capable emotionally of dealing with this disability in one of my own children because it is already heart breaking enough for me to have to constantly be worried about my brother. It may sound terrible but I know my own limits. I don’t want to turn a child down, but I can’t do it. I know I am not strong enough. But then…what does that say about me as a sister? How horrible is it, that I wouldn’t choose a baby with a disability the same as my own brother. What is my brother going to think about this? Is it going to make him feel terrible about himself. Damn. I can’t believe this is happening. I just wanted a baby. I just want to talk to someone who understands and wants to do the right thing by their child. I don’t want to add all this emotional crap to the situation as well.

I finally responded to her.

“Yes, I am familiar with epilepsy. My younger brother has it. It is a very scary disability to have.”

She interrupted me “do you think you could help me with my heat?”

“ Iam really sorry, you will have to call the agency. There are strict rules about that. How about we talk tomorrow after you speak with the agency?

“Oh ok. Call me tomorrow then”

I immediately called our counselor and told her that I was not interested in her because I felt like she was strictly trying to find money. I am not a government funded agency. I am one half of an adoptive couple that wants a baby. Also, I am pretty sure we said no disabilities can you please double check our paperwork.

The agency apologized profusely for putting us in that position.

Two days later they called me back to ask me if I was sure because Tina really liked me.

Again, She only wants living expenses we are not interested.

That was the first and the last time I verbalized my concern and stuck to my guns.

Birth Mom #1 of 8 - Our journey of walking in faith begins

This entire adoption process began as a "journey" into the unknown. I knew it was going to be hard and I remember walking away from the initial meeting with the agency where they counseled you on all the things that could go wrong, crying - all the way home. This meeting was basically an introduction counseling session so to speak. There were about 10 other adoptive couples who had either been trying for years to conceive and finally gave up or those like us just checking it out to see if adoption was where they wanted to start and not go through the difficulty of even trying to get pregnant. For us this adoption journey made the most sense. I have been told for many years that I could not have children and never wanted to go through the pain of various treatments knowing that the liklihood of me actually carrying the baby to term successfully was minimal. Why waste the emotional energy and money ($30,000)if we might not end up with what we wanted in the end - a baby. We got married knowing I couldn't have kids and I didn't want to torture myself with miscarriages etc.

The initial counseling session was all about the cost and the risk of adoption. They said that the liklihood of these certain risks was very minimal but the risk was there and we needed to know what we were getting into. I cried all the way home telling Matt that I didn't know if I was strong enough to do it. He carried me though, he told me that he loved me and that I was one of the strongest individuals he has ever known and that we could make it. We could achieve our dream of having a baby. We have achieved almost everything we have dreamed early on in our marriage,w e could certainly handle this. We are Christians we have a devout faith in a God of miracles and God would carry us when we could not carry ourselves.

Our home study done in August of 2008. We choose plan 1 (white/hispanic) and we also opted for plan 3 (african american/bi-racial). We decided that we were going to leave our options open because we believe all children are entitled to a good home and that we would eventually end up with the child that God had ordained for us. We went active on the adoption registry. We were so hopeful that our journey would end within the Agencies average of 6-8 weeks. Our hopes were furthered when we put our profile together and were immediately chosen by a birth mom. For the sake of keeping this anonymous I will name her Frances. I received the call about Frances at work from our adoption counselor. Frances "chose us" and wanted to meet us. I was originally told she was 16 and this was her 5th pregnancy. First pregnany she miscarried, second one died after birth - as a result of her boyfriend trying to kill her, and the third child who was 2 was placed in Foster because she could not take care of him. This pregnancy was a result of an incestuous relationship with her brother. Disturbing, yes. Would we walk away from the child because of it, NO. All children deserve a good hom. Anwyway, Frances, wanted to talk to me on the phone. Frances also was a chrystal meth user who was at a sober house. I talked to her on the phone and was extremely nervous. These girls are allowed to ask anything they want. They are also usually destitute and on some sort of government assistance. Sometimes they are from the streets and sometimes they are college students who have made a bad mistake. Sometimes they are teens and the parents of the teens are wanting them to make the choice that will provide a better future for their pregnant teen. In this case, she was a heavy drug user who was impregnated by her brother. I am not a social worker so I had no idea how to act on the phone. She asked me about my marriage, did I go to college, did Matt go to college, did we have good jobs, do we go on vacations, will this baby be spoiled, is this our first baby etc. etc. I answered honestly, but I was very nervous. I am by nature a very anxious person. Until I know you or we immediately click I am very quiet and sometimes I struggle with carrying on a conversation.

To be approved for adoption you are basically tortured with red tape.We are put through intensive background checks by the Counties, Cities, and States we have lived in for up to 10 years you also have to be fingerprinted and tested by the FBI. We had to give all our financial info over, and if you have a negative net worth you cannot adopt. You have to be able to take a certain amount of time to take off work, you have to be able to go anywhere at anytime without any reservations. You lose all control over your life and it becomes an open book. You become vulnerable. SOmething I usually am not and I make every effort not to be in every other aspect of my life.

At any rate Frances wanted to meet us. We met her at Applebees with our adoption counselor. I put on a super smile and went in there gung ho about convincing this lady that WE were the right parents for this baby. I was so nervouse I ordered diet pepsi when it came to the table I accidently put splenda in it because I thought I ordered iced tea. I felt like a complete idiot. Frances had a very stern look on her face and looked more than a little irritated. I tried to make small talk about our nursery, baby gear etc. Asked her what she envisioned from us and I got one word answers. She wasn't working well with me. Our counselor decided to go use the restroom and Frances told me that she almost backed out of meeting us and that she didn't want to come. She tried to call our counselor at midnight to tell her but she didn't answer. I was shocked. Deflated. What?? Why the hell are we here then I thought. This is a wasted of our time. But then she said she liked us and we seemed like a successful couple and she started to talk. She asked me about the pictures of our Siberian huskies. Apparently she LOVED animals. Well...i do too. Finally something we can talk about. She ordered two meals and took one meal home. We said our goodbyes and we both Matt and I gave her hug. She chose us and we were excited.

Five days later I get a call from the agency. Frances said that I was not exited enough about her baby so she chose a different couple? Huh?? I was very confused. I was told that I came across harsh and that next time I need to be a lot more excited because these girls want to be treated like princesses. I was devasted. I cried and I obviously became even more nervous about the next time I would have to talk to a birth mom. I am not an actor by any means but when I am excited you know I am excited and I was definitely excited about this oppotunity so I was very confused. Our counselor had the director of the agency call me because according to them "professionals" like me and matt who have either worked in accounting or engineering have a difficult time identifying with birth moms and being more gentle etc. Going with the flow so to speak.

Again....I was devasted. An emotional wreck thinking we are never going to have a child because I can't act. Great.

Turns out....none of this was the real reason she dropped us. The real reason was, she started using Meth again and ran off to vegas with some guy. However, I did not find this out until after the 5th birth mom. So..the agency made me feel like I did something wrong or was not good enough, when the real reason was, she was an addict and actually had some phsychological problems.

We could not get our money back so Matt told the agency...no more calling me. they needed to call him, so he - the easy going one could shelter me.

I began to dig deep into my bible to find verses that would help me claim victory over worry and fear. That what we were doing was what the Lord instilled on my heart from the time I was very young.

When I was twelve - before I ever knew I could not have children, I told my Grandmother, Mom, Aunt and Aunt Sharrie that I was never going to have kids. I just sensed it. I told them that I would eventually adopt. So I know, and have known my entire life that this journey was going to be ahead of me. I just had no idea what it was going to entail.

I know feel like I need to get all these stories out so that I can get to reason why I actually feel like I have faith that Kellen is not going to be taken away. I am not going to lie, I am having bits of pain here and there at the thought or the potential of him being taken away but in my heart I feel like he will not be going anywhere.

Thanks so much everyone for the support. Thanks to Dorothy for the gem below, which I needed ASAP. It along with another e-mail I received yesterday has given me the confidence to speak boldly in faith.

Mark 11:22-24:

22"Have faith in God," Jesus answered. 23"I tell you the truth, if anyone says to this mountain, 'Go, throw yourself into the sea,' and does not doubt in his heart but believes that what he says will happen, it will be done for him. 24 Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours.

and the Birth Dad Wants His Child

The birth father filed a petition. He wants to persue this. We do not know anything about this guy. He is willing to take the DNA test. If he passes the DNA test we lose Kellen. No fighting in court. He wins.

The only way we get to keep him is if he doesn't pass the test and tries to get custody in court. Well..why would someone who is not the dad want to fight for a baby that isn't his? Well, if he wins, he doesn't get the baby. The baby goes back to the mom. He doesn't get custody regardless.

I have no idea how to explain what I am feeling. I am faced with being logical and realistic which means we will be losing our child. It makes no sense for someone to agree to a DNA test if he isn't the father. How can we fight with someone we know nothing about. To say he is a loser is an assumption. She lied, so...what we know is he was dead and now he isn't.

After everything else we have been through....the pain, the difficulty - those emotions NEVER compared to the overwhelming loss, fear, anxiety, hopelessness and whatever other name you want to attach to it. Now we somehow have to muster the strength to get through this. I don't know if I can.

By the time we know I will have used all my leave which means even if we wanted to adopt again, I have no more time, we have spent so much money on this now and there is no way we will get any of it back. I mean....there are so many things wrong with this. We can't sue the agency, we can't sue anyone. If it happens it just happens and we have to let go.

Please tell me how?????????

Waiting Sucks! It is almost over though...

4 more days and praying nothing happens.

While we are waiting we are having as much fun as we can. We took our little monkey to have pictures taken. I wish we had done this when we first brought him home but it is ok. I was trying to wait until the adoption was finalized in March but I couldn't stand it anymore. We decided to do it now. I am glad we did. It took my mind of the the situation in my previous post.

The last few weeks have been a blast! Christmas was actually really fun and not ruined by any of the news we received. We took K to see Santa. It was adorable. He slept the entire time, but the ladies who take the picture were really excited because Santa does an amazing pic with sleeping babies in which he poses with a really huge book open and the sleeping baby on his lap. I will scan the pic and post later.