One of the things you have to do when you first sign up for adoption is decide what types of things you will accept when it comes to a birth mom, a newborn or infant (depending on what age you are considering). These decisions include issues such as a smoking, drug use, alcohol use, prescription drug use, physical/mental handicaps, twins, etc. When we were approached about our “list” of things we would accept we were a bit confused by all the different effects certain drugs had on a fetus. One thing we knew for certain was that I would not, nor would I probably ever be, emotionally capable of dealing with certain physical or mental handicaps. Not because I am not smart enough to gain the skills necessary to take care of a child with a handicap but because I am significantly affected emotionally when I hear examples about this kind of thing. Another big reason I didn’t think I could handle a birth defect was because I have experience with it already on a day to day basis Some of you may or may not know this already, but my younger brother has complex partial epilepsy. He started having seizures his senior year in high school but was not fully diagnosed until he turned 21.His entire life changed and suddenly he could not do the things he had always done without fear of a seizure putting him in terrible danger
I remember the night I found out about his seizures. It was very strange. I came back to visit my family from Seattle and we were driving back to Chico from Sacramento. We had just finished eating dinner at Hungry Hunter. Jason and I were in the back seat laughing our butts off at something Grandpa was saying to Grandma. The next thing I know, Jason is looking at me drooling but trying to say something to me like “be quiet” but it was not audible or understandable. He turned blue and I was in shock. I actually thought he was playing some cruel joke on me. A cruel joke would not be a surprise because he and Grandpa have a strange sense of humor. One that in most cases usually resulted in my grandma getting ready to call 911 for emergency assistance. I am to this day, surprised my grandma never had a heart attack from the “jokes” they liked to play. Anyway, come to find out Jason was having seizures and was later diagnosed with epilepsy. He was now the same person unable to do things he had always done without a huge risk to his life. He was in denial for a really long time and we were all very worried for him. Imagine driving a car from the time you were sixteen, you had a sense of freedom – no one could take that away. Suddenly Jason had no more freedom. It wasn’t just painful for him though, it was painful for everyone. We all wanted to help or fix it but just could not it. Years later we have all adjusted but there is an ever-present fear that something might happen to him.
Epilepsy is carried on by our dad’s side of the family. My paternal grandfather had it. We never really knew him and as kids, it was never an issue for us. Then, Jason was diagnosed and everyone’s life changed. He has been in two very serious car accidents and lucky to be alive. He has been on many Rx cocktails to prevent the seizures over the years. They work for awhile but then he ends up having break through seizures. At any rate, he tries to live a normal life but he depends on friends and family heavily. We are always happy to help him but he feels like a burden. He is always nervous to go places because he might have a seizure.
You might be thinking “why is she talking about epilepsy as part of the adoption post?”
I am getting to that. Bear with me.
In order to make a good educated decision about what types of things we were willing to accept or not accept when it came to our child we decided to have a discussion with the pediatrician we had chosen – Dr. Smith.
Dr. Smith explained that some issues are easier to deal with than others. If I were pregnant none of these things would be an issue, but because we are adopting we have to determine the things we can deal with and things that would be biting off way more than we can chew. All of these things are bad and unhealthy for a baby to be exposed to but in adoption you have to give and take or the chances of you being shown to a birth mom are greatly reduced. In fact, if you work with our agency you do not have a choice when it comes to cigarettes because 90% of the birth mothers smoke.
In talking with Dr. Smith we learned:
Cigarette/marijuana smoking will more than likely result in low birth weight, premature birth and issues with asthma and colic. Baby will likely not have defects but there is always a risk. Born addicted to nicotine but will go away with time. Colic is the big issue.
Cocaine & Heroine would cause addiction that can be treated when the baby is born. It would almost be guaranteed to have severe colic.
Meth would result in many different problems. Child would have colic, more than likely mental/physical birth defects, behavioral problems etc.
These are just some of the issues and I can’t explain them all. For the sake of this post I will just let you know that our decision was:
• No twins
• No Meth/Crack Use
• No Disability
Our decision was clearly communicated to the adoption counselor who completed our home study. It was on three or four different pieces of paperwork as well.
Shortly after birth mom # 1 I received a call from the agency. Our adoption counselor said she was excited to tell me that a birth mom had chosen us again. Her name for the sake of this post will be Tina. Tina lived on the Southside of Indy like us. She had three kids and was expecting the 4th – a boy. She could not take care of him since three of her kids had disabilities and she could not afford the care for the three she had. She wanted an open adoption and wanted me to call her when I got home in the evening.
I was shocked when I heard the word disabilities. What the heck? I thought. I know we told them no disabilities. I asked her what the disabilities were. She told me they were related to weak muscles. Ok. That isn’t that big of a deal I guess. Still…we were going to have to have a conversation about this. There is a reason we marked certain things off on the list. I would just talk to Matt about it later and he would make sure they understood.
I got home from work, got my bible out and began to pray for the words to speak to this birthmom. I prayed for words to comfort her and ease her mind about our ability to be parents to her child. I prayed for God to give me the excited tone in my voice t to avoid another situation like we had with birth mom #1. I also prayed for peace and wisdom to discern if this situation didn’t seem right.
I called Tina. The conversation went something like this:
“HI Tina this is Sarah. How are you?”
“Oh Hi, I am ok. The agency told me about you and I was wondering if you could help me figure out of I want to place my son for adoption. I have three kids right now and they all have disabilities. . I don’t work and I am on public assistance. I just got a notice that they was going to turn my power off soon if I don’t find a way to the pay my bill. I am thinking I want to let the lady from first steps adopt my son since she had my kids for a few months a year ago while I got on my feet. She had my kids and she said she would adopt this baby. I get a lot of help from her. The baby’s dad is in jail so I need to figure out how I can pay my bills. Did the agency tell you any of this?”
In my head I panicked “wait what? Trying to decide on adoption? Disabilities? Money? This is like a counseling call, I don’t work for the agency. I am not a sales person – I can’t sell adoption. I can only explain how we will be good parents” Self…try to explain how you will be good parents.
“They mentioned that you had chosen me and my husband as the parents for your child. We are very excited about that. Are you saying you are not sure?”
“Why are you and your husband adopting?”
“I cannot have children for various reasons”
“Wow, you are sooooo lucky. I wish I could not get pregnant. I have sex and get pregnant. Wish I could have sex and not get pregnant. I bet you like that. That would be the greatest thing in the world.”
Thinking to self “wow, planned parenthood gives out free contraceptives that would be a good start. ouch! I really hate when people say things like this to me. It really hurts emotionally. They have no idea what they are saying. Just give her a chance though.”
I respond “Actually no, I really want kids I would give anything to have kids.”
“How long have you been married, what does your husband do?”
“We have been married since 2001. My husband is a CPA.”
“You have been married for a long time. What is a CPA? Do you make good money? Do you take vacations?”
“A CPA is an accountant. We vacation when we can. We go back to MI a lot though. That is where our families llive.”
“What is an accountant? Do you make good money? I bet you make good money. I need money for my lights. Can you ask the agency about that?”
Self “wow…all she is asking about is money? The agency says ignore these questions. This is a good indication she is not going to follow through with an adoption plan. She just wants living expenses. Try to get off the phone by telling her she needs to call the agency about that.”
“Well, you will actually need to speak to the agency about your power bill. I can call you back tomorrow once you talk to them if you want.
“Yeah, I will call them. Do you want to talk to my daughter she is a trip. She can’t walk very well. That is why first steps comes to my house. That lady, she helps me financially when I need the help and she takes us to Mc Donalds once a week. We sometimes go to the zoo as well. Do you think the agency will help with my power bill. I need heat with three kids? My son has epilepsy. I can’t afford his meds either so the first steps lady helps with that when she can. You know this baby is prolly gonna have epilepsy. Do you know what epilepsy is?”
At this point, I knew she was not going to place. She just wanted a way to pay for her power bill. What I was really irritated about was the fact that the agency put me in the position of having to counsel someone into adoption. I was even more angry that they completely disregarded my desire to not be shown to birth moms with a possibility of disability. Why? Because then I would have to say no to the bm. In this situation, I could not take the chance with her because she kept talking about money and because of the epilepsy. I am not capable emotionally of dealing with this disability in one of my own children because it is already heart breaking enough for me to have to constantly be worried about my brother. It may sound terrible but I know my own limits. I don’t want to turn a child down, but I can’t do it. I know I am not strong enough. But then…what does that say about me as a sister? How horrible is it, that I wouldn’t choose a baby with a disability the same as my own brother. What is my brother going to think about this? Is it going to make him feel terrible about himself. Damn. I can’t believe this is happening. I just wanted a baby. I just want to talk to someone who understands and wants to do the right thing by their child. I don’t want to add all this emotional crap to the situation as well.
I finally responded to her.
“Yes, I am familiar with epilepsy. My younger brother has it. It is a very scary disability to have.”
She interrupted me “do you think you could help me with my heat?”
“ Iam really sorry, you will have to call the agency. There are strict rules about that. How about we talk tomorrow after you speak with the agency?
“Oh ok. Call me tomorrow then”
I immediately called our counselor and told her that I was not interested in her because I felt like she was strictly trying to find money. I am not a government funded agency. I am one half of an adoptive couple that wants a baby. Also, I am pretty sure we said no disabilities can you please double check our paperwork.
The agency apologized profusely for putting us in that position.
Two days later they called me back to ask me if I was sure because Tina really liked me.
Again, She only wants living expenses we are not interested.
That was the first and the last time I verbalized my concern and stuck to my guns.
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