Kellen was taken from us on April 8. He went back to his birthmother. We gave her everything we had that was his. He is our son, we wanted him to have his stuff. The car seat, the bases, the Pack n Play, ALL of his clothes, bottles, sippy cups, unopened boxes of diapers etc. Everything we had for our son, went. The birth mom picked him up that day at noon.

Matt and I are both trying to deal with this and he has been gone for almost a month. Kellen will be 6 months old on 5/11. It is heartbreaking coming home to an empty house every night. It is very dificult to grasp because one minute he is here and literally in 24 hours he was gone. After 5 months. Can you even imagine how you would feel if all of a sudden your child - whether new born or tween was all of a sudden gone. The closest thing we can relate it to is a kidnapping. Someone took our child and we don't know this person, we have no idea who is caring for him, what the families are like etc. We not only miss him terribly but we worry about if he is being cared for, abused neglected etc.

It is amazing the things people say to you when you experience a loss. Some people don't say anything at all and avoid you comletely, as if we need something else to worry about (why is this person mad at me, what did I do etc. etc.) Avoidance does not feel like support or like we are being given space. Avoidance feels like the person doesn't care at all. At times like this, you really find out who your friends truly are.

I am finding it very difficult to express myself. Part of it is one minute I am ok, the next I am not. I think I am going insane because I am so indecisive. I want to be ok, I want to "look on the bright sight" but come on, for 7 years I have waited for a child to come into my life and he finally did after an excrutiatingy painfu process. The amount of relief we felt when we finally brought our child home was euphoric. 1 month out of four we really got to enjoy our little man. Then we found out the birthdad was not dead and hell continued.

Kellen was starting to have distinct preferences. He reached for me, he would cry out for us, he would love being held, loved to cuddle and just play with our hands and faces. He was laughing and starting to become more than just a cute little new born. He didn't like being hot, he liked to lay on the floor and watch the fan, he liked watching Big Big World and Dragontails. He loved his jumperoo and would laugh and play for a long while and then fall asleep standing up. He is just GONE.

I miss his face, his sile, his tough, his smell. I miss feeling like i was protecting him from the harsh world, praying for him and just knowing God would never be so cruel as to take that away.

Mothers day is this weekend. This holiday has been hard for me over the last 7 years. I am pretty much the only person left in my entire circle of family and friends who now, does not have a baby. There is only 1 couple I know that is childless and they will, most likely have a baby in the next year. Most people aim for that 3-5 year range and in september it will be their 4th year. I am patiently waiting for the news that they are pregnant.

When you don't have a child, and you want one, there is a void that is just to unexplainable to describe. You can't relate it to much. You try but most people who have kids, get pregnant by accident or by planning it and it just happening. There is no frame of reference for most people. Most peole want to win the lottery. I could not care less about the lottery. I just want a child to raise. I want to raise them according to God's standards and teach him/her all the amazing things in life.

I realize I am rambling. I miss my son. I want my baby back and I want the pain to stop.

There just is not a bright side to this. It doesnt exist right now.