Feelings

I can't be the only woman on the planet that struggles with guilt. Or am I? 

First of all, I love my husband and my son very much.  I am finding it very difficult to manage work, home and relationships.  I feel overwhelmed with guilt because I can't make it all work.  Do I want to work - yes, Do I want to have a strong marriage - yes, Do I want to have a beautiful well rounded child - yes.  I just don't seem to be able to do all three.  I have changed. I knew it was going to happen but I don't think others in my life did.  There are things I find important that Matt doesn't.  I worry about everything, he worries about nothing. It is hard to find a common ground right now.  I feel alone.   Like I am on a stranded island.  I don't feel depressed.  I feel misunderstood and most of all I am finding it hard to find the "right" words to express how I feel.  It seems that no matter how I word something it isn't understood.  And if I try to explain something, for some reason it is taken seriously until I am upset about it. I am barely treading water right now.  I have to remember so many things for so many people and I am about to break.  Oh, of course everyone can say "no you don't, stop feeling like you have to be perfect etc." but realistically, if I forget something or do something wrong the world will come to an end.  Think about it...my job is to monitor things for another person right?  so if I forget something there I am screwed.  I have to remember things for Kellen and if I don't then someone will be irritated, whether it is Matt or Daycare.  Then I have a very intelligent husband who is amazing at what he does but he is very forgetful (both Jason and Mom have witnessed this as they have lived with us and witnessed how many times he has left his wallet at home etc.) I have to constantly be on the watch for his "stuff" - papers, wallet, keys, medicine, eye drops, etc. he doesn't ask me to do this but if I don't he will spent tons of time trying to find this stuff.  Now, I am not complaining about it, I am just saying I have done it for 9 years and this year it is much more difficult because having a baby has made me scatter brained (I never thought this was going to happen to me but it did). I don't regret it - I just wish Matt understood that every woman goes through this.  It isn't just me.  I don't feel supported right now.  I also have absolutely no energy by 8 pm.  I have to stay up late to get laundry done or do what I couldn't get done before Kellen went to bed. For example, staying up until 5 am to put the Christmas tree up for Matt & Kellen.  I wasn't going to do it, but out of fear of being labeled a Grinch or stealing my sons first real Christmas away by not decorating - I felt compelled to do it.  Did I WANT to stay up that late?  Hell no.  I wanted to go to bed at 2.  I don't get much sleep and rarely get to sleep in.  But I did it.  I don't really know if it was appreciated or not I just know that I was told by several people I was crazy for doing it. But tell me, how I would have ever gotten it done while Kellen was awake?  It would have NEVER happened.  It took 8 hours to get all the crap out, go through it, decorate and put it back.

Here is another thing that bothers me - when Kellen gets hurt who ever is around says "get used to it, he is a boy" - I am sorry but I do not accept that.  As a parent it is MY JOB and YOUR JOB to watch your kid and prevent injuries, granted you cannot prevent them all but by God, if you are standing there and you see a possible hazard you better step to it and prevent it. Not doing so is NEGLIGENT. Also when you become a parent your thought process needs to change because everything could be a danger.  Every decision you make should be prefaced with - how can I be safe about this?  DO NOT EVER SAY TO ME - get used to it he is a boy.  That is pure BS.  Yes, they are rough, play harder than girls and seem to be very curious and daring but getting used to my Kid getting hurt is NEVER going to happen.  That is like saying - oh I saw little Johnny getting the crap beat out of them but it happens all the time so I am not going to do anything because I am used to seeing it.  Seriously....boys feel pain just like girls.  Little boys also need to know that they can trust their parents (DADS too) when something happens to them.  They need to know their parents care enough about them to keep them safe.  I do not believe I can keep him from ever getting hurt but he will know I care because when he does get hurt I will pick him up, tell him he is ok and that it will be ok.  I will also never tell my child, oh you got hurt that is what you deserve for not listening - because that is crap too.  If they put themselves in danger - your job is to protect them from getting hurt!!!  No wonder so many MEN in this country are jacked up.  Their parents just said "oh well you are a boy you just get to be hurt because boys get hurt more often than girls"  or treat them like their pain doesn't matter.  Good grief, a strong man is a man who can admit and be honest about his feelings without fear of being made fun of etc and I will go to hell and back to raise Kellen to be that kind of MAN!  His pain matters, his feelings matter and I want him to trust me to always make the best decision for him!  It is hard but I will.

I refuse to be a lazy parent!  I will keep doing the hard things because it is the right thing to do by my child.  I don't want him to ever have to feel the way I felt or the way my brothers felt when we were little kids.