Feelings

I can't be the only woman on the planet that struggles with guilt. Or am I? 

First of all, I love my husband and my son very much.  I am finding it very difficult to manage work, home and relationships.  I feel overwhelmed with guilt because I can't make it all work.  Do I want to work - yes, Do I want to have a strong marriage - yes, Do I want to have a beautiful well rounded child - yes.  I just don't seem to be able to do all three.  I have changed. I knew it was going to happen but I don't think others in my life did.  There are things I find important that Matt doesn't.  I worry about everything, he worries about nothing. It is hard to find a common ground right now.  I feel alone.   Like I am on a stranded island.  I don't feel depressed.  I feel misunderstood and most of all I am finding it hard to find the "right" words to express how I feel.  It seems that no matter how I word something it isn't understood.  And if I try to explain something, for some reason it is taken seriously until I am upset about it. I am barely treading water right now.  I have to remember so many things for so many people and I am about to break.  Oh, of course everyone can say "no you don't, stop feeling like you have to be perfect etc." but realistically, if I forget something or do something wrong the world will come to an end.  Think about it...my job is to monitor things for another person right?  so if I forget something there I am screwed.  I have to remember things for Kellen and if I don't then someone will be irritated, whether it is Matt or Daycare.  Then I have a very intelligent husband who is amazing at what he does but he is very forgetful (both Jason and Mom have witnessed this as they have lived with us and witnessed how many times he has left his wallet at home etc.) I have to constantly be on the watch for his "stuff" - papers, wallet, keys, medicine, eye drops, etc. he doesn't ask me to do this but if I don't he will spent tons of time trying to find this stuff.  Now, I am not complaining about it, I am just saying I have done it for 9 years and this year it is much more difficult because having a baby has made me scatter brained (I never thought this was going to happen to me but it did). I don't regret it - I just wish Matt understood that every woman goes through this.  It isn't just me.  I don't feel supported right now.  I also have absolutely no energy by 8 pm.  I have to stay up late to get laundry done or do what I couldn't get done before Kellen went to bed. For example, staying up until 5 am to put the Christmas tree up for Matt & Kellen.  I wasn't going to do it, but out of fear of being labeled a Grinch or stealing my sons first real Christmas away by not decorating - I felt compelled to do it.  Did I WANT to stay up that late?  Hell no.  I wanted to go to bed at 2.  I don't get much sleep and rarely get to sleep in.  But I did it.  I don't really know if it was appreciated or not I just know that I was told by several people I was crazy for doing it. But tell me, how I would have ever gotten it done while Kellen was awake?  It would have NEVER happened.  It took 8 hours to get all the crap out, go through it, decorate and put it back.

Here is another thing that bothers me - when Kellen gets hurt who ever is around says "get used to it, he is a boy" - I am sorry but I do not accept that.  As a parent it is MY JOB and YOUR JOB to watch your kid and prevent injuries, granted you cannot prevent them all but by God, if you are standing there and you see a possible hazard you better step to it and prevent it. Not doing so is NEGLIGENT. Also when you become a parent your thought process needs to change because everything could be a danger.  Every decision you make should be prefaced with - how can I be safe about this?  DO NOT EVER SAY TO ME - get used to it he is a boy.  That is pure BS.  Yes, they are rough, play harder than girls and seem to be very curious and daring but getting used to my Kid getting hurt is NEVER going to happen.  That is like saying - oh I saw little Johnny getting the crap beat out of them but it happens all the time so I am not going to do anything because I am used to seeing it.  Seriously....boys feel pain just like girls.  Little boys also need to know that they can trust their parents (DADS too) when something happens to them.  They need to know their parents care enough about them to keep them safe.  I do not believe I can keep him from ever getting hurt but he will know I care because when he does get hurt I will pick him up, tell him he is ok and that it will be ok.  I will also never tell my child, oh you got hurt that is what you deserve for not listening - because that is crap too.  If they put themselves in danger - your job is to protect them from getting hurt!!!  No wonder so many MEN in this country are jacked up.  Their parents just said "oh well you are a boy you just get to be hurt because boys get hurt more often than girls"  or treat them like their pain doesn't matter.  Good grief, a strong man is a man who can admit and be honest about his feelings without fear of being made fun of etc and I will go to hell and back to raise Kellen to be that kind of MAN!  His pain matters, his feelings matter and I want him to trust me to always make the best decision for him!  It is hard but I will.

I refuse to be a lazy parent!  I will keep doing the hard things because it is the right thing to do by my child.  I don't want him to ever have to feel the way I felt or the way my brothers felt when we were little kids.

The thing I love about daycare....

... walking in to pick Kellen up after a long day.  I pull up, walk in and walk down the hall to his classroom.  I peek through the window to see what he is doing before he sees me.  I watch him for about 5 minutes as he plays on the floor with various things; books, cups, blocks, etc. Lately he is crawling around to the different play stations trying to decide what he wants to do.  Once I have soaked up enough of his cuteness to make me feel like the luckiest person on the planet, I walk in very slowly.  I stand at the door for a few seconds and call his name "Kellen-ator!".  Everyday, he follows the same reaction routine in which he turns toward my voice, stops what he is doing, looks up at me for a couple seconds and then screams with the biggest smile on his face.  I used to walk over and pick him up but  now that he can crawl he speeds over to me and reaches for me to pick him up.  I look into his eyes and say "Hi Buddy- did you have a good day?" - and kiss him repeatedly on his cheeks until he screams again.  I then say "let's go see daddy" and he shakes his arms and screams "heyyyyyyyyy".

Love could not be more perfect than this.

My kid knows he is loved from the minute his daddy wakes him  up to get ready in the morning to the minute I lay him down to sleep at night.

Bliss.

The Best Video Ever

Puke!

I am going to talk about puke today. Puke is one of those things that up until now, I could never talk about. It is on a list of things I would plug my ears instantly if someone started to talk about it. In fact, if i was sick and I puked, I would whisper it to someone to tell them what was wrong with me, as if it was a "dirty" word! In my world...it was. Why? Because I have the gag reflex of an 8 month old apparently. At this point, you might be asking yourself why I decided to blog about it then?

Because in the words of Faith Hill "A Baby Changes EVERYTHING!"

Am I comfortable talking about it? Um, no. This is an exercise in "practice makes comfortable"...sort of. Ever seen "What About Bob?" Baby steps man, baby steps.

I am sure no one really cares but there are two things that I am really proud of myself for:

1 - I don't gag when K gags.
2 - I spent an entire night covered in K's 8 month old puke and didn't gag or puke myself.

Huge accomplishments for me.

K gags whenever you put something new in his mouth. He will gag once, eat it, gag a 2nd time, eat it and then...not gag again. It never fails. When we went to Reno to see my amazing Aunt Sharrie get married, he displayed this behavior more than once. Poor Uncle Jim was so graceful and helpful by attempting to come to the rescue with towels and napkins and was shocked to see that the child who made the loud barfing sound was smiling with a little frosting on his face, or a little rice puff in his mouth. We told everyone, don't worry he does that anytime you give him something new. Mixed veggies - gag, Blueberries & banana - Gag, Peaches - gag, you name it - gag!

A couple years ago, if I even heard someone else gag, I would puke. I have no idea why, but hearing someone else gag makes me hurl! My brother Jason has been reduced to tears of hysteria watching me get sick because of hearing/seeing someone else gag. Now...I just laugh and say "you are so cute". Warning - if I am friends with you and we are hanging out and you gag and my response is to bust out laughing, I am really really sorry! Hey - it's better than something like this pie eating scene in Stand By Me - happening.

On another note, I survived an entire night being puked on by the miracle baby. I don't know how, but I didn't get sick once. It has always been a fear of mine to have a child and not be able to take care of him/her when sick. I proved I can do it, I think. This time it was only puke. Not sure how or if I can handle it coming from both ends or not. That is an entirely different issue, but like I said "baby steps"!

Enough about puke - here are some adorable pictures of the baby, that will not make anyone gag:

Miracles Do Happen

You can see from my previous post that on April 8, Kellen was taken from us. We were devastated and were not sure how to continue living a normal life. We tried to hide our grief the best we could, mostly because we were tired of everyone feeling sorry for us and we sort of felt like a burden to everyone we know. As the weeks passed, it got easier but was immensely painful. The emotional pain manifested itself to physical pain that I could only manage by working out with a personal trainer. Little did I know what was in store.

K was returned to us on May 17th. Long story short - the birth dad didn't show up to 3 of 4 hearings and even though the DNA test was positive, he didn't establish paternity with the court. Once Kellen was returned to us the birth dad had 30 days to appeal, and he did not. We finalized our adoption on June 17!

Kellen is FOREVER ours!

I have been putting off updating my blog until the adoption was final. Once it was final I had a desire to update but wasn't sure what I wanted to start with. The conclusion I have come to is, first and foremost, I need to give credit to the God I believe in, and immeasurable thanks to those who prayed for, thought about and lifted us up during the most difficult time of our entire lives.

Two years ago I had a conversation with a dear friend & mentor of mine - this is a woman who I want to be like as a mother, a professional and a wife. The conversation was about having a testimony and how I began to pray for a testimony.

I have been a Christian my entire life. I believe in God, I believe in the trinity, and I believe in Jesus - as the savior. I have always believed because I have had personal experiences & circumstances throughout my entire life in which God has revealed himself to me. Over the years I have heard people just say I am spoiled or I am lucky because things just work out for me. Trust me - I am not lucky if you knew the circumstances in which I grew up and the things I endured as a child, you would never say I am lucky. What I do have though are many years of hand written journals that prove this - there is not a single prayer I have prayed that has not been answered. Those answered prayers are great for me - but those prayers never really had a profound impact on others. I prayed for wisdom to make better decisions and to have knowledge to be successful. I have prayed for circumstances in our friends, families and co-workers lives over the years and all those prayers have been answered so far. But - I still felt like something was missing and I could never put my finger on it.

One day I had a revelation: I was missing that thing that made my life itself a testimony worthy of such an amazing God. I have seen many people completely transformed by God - Hellions turned to Saints - working to show people the love of Christ, when all they used to do in the past was hurt people and commit crimes. These people had the "it" thing I was missing. Their conversion to Christianity profoundly changed them and they became a living example of what Christ can do. I just never felt like my life had a profound effect on others.

Kellen is my testimony. Kellen is Matt's testimony. Kellen is a miracle. There is no other explanation for how I made it through the last two years. I spent hours in the Bible, hours praying for strength, hours praying for patience, hours praying for clarity of mind, hours praying for my office and the people I work with, hours praying for my husband, hours praying for my unborn child, hours praying for God to cover our finances and keep us from harm, I devoted time to trying to learn the things I needed to change about me, I walked this valley with every possible weight on my shoulders that I could think of and there were times I just knew I couldn't go on any longer. I busted out the worship music, stomped on the devil's head and low and behold God held me up and I kept on going. I stumbled and I fell, God picked me up and we repeated this cycle many many times (sometimes it was God putting the right people in my life at the right times) but I never stopped believing something was going to happen and this would all end. When it did, God's glory would be revealed to a lot of people.

Once Kellen was taken from us, I didn't think we would get him back, but I thought something else would happen that would eventually lead to a bigger reveal. My left brain and right brain were fighting constantly - I was exhausted and was in a deep dark place that I believe may have lead to insanity. One day I felt like God spoke to my heart - just stop. Stop it all; stop trying, stop praying, stop reading your bible, stop journal-ing and try to just hear me. I quit cold turkey! It was hard because this went against everything I knew. Guess what - three days later, we got the call the Kellen was coming home. I continued this practice of stopping, which seems strange right?! Stop praying? Who does that, well - ME.

God was trying to tell me my relationship was not supposed to be based on working so hard. I should just have faith. I had all the knowledge a person needs to apply biblical principles to their life. What I lacked, just pure unadulterated faith. My faith was small - it just didn't seem Kellen would be returned, after every thing we went through it just did not seem like it was ever going to work out. Oh ye of little faith - that was me. But - the bible says in Mathew 7:7 "Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you." the only stipulation is - YOU ACTUALLY HAVE TO HAVE FAITH IN GOD. Many people pray and say God "prove to me you exist by doing...(insert prayer here)." God is saying, "I don't have to prove to you I exist, I just do - let me answer your prayers - just believe that I can & will." Once I finally learned this...I reached my Gilgal, and God worked his miracle.

This is not a "how to get what you want from God instruction post" - it is just a testimony that God is there and when you believe him he does what he says he will do.

While I believe God made this happen, like I said earlier, I cannot thank everyone who prayed for us the numbers are far to large.

I do want to thank Milah for sending me a mothers day card - of all days this day was horrible for me. For years, the one thing I wanted more than anything was to be a mom and experience mothers day. Her card, probably saved my life. It may seem like lip service to say that, but the loss I felt was excruciating and as terrible as this is to admit, thoughts of taking my life occurred on more than one occasion. Until now, I felt too ashamed to admit it. But what I have learned is, with all things in life, someone, somewhere is experiencing their own difficulties but just maybe I can help that someone by telling my story.

Kellen was taken from us on April 8. He went back to his birthmother. We gave her everything we had that was his. He is our son, we wanted him to have his stuff. The car seat, the bases, the Pack n Play, ALL of his clothes, bottles, sippy cups, unopened boxes of diapers etc. Everything we had for our son, went. The birth mom picked him up that day at noon.

Matt and I are both trying to deal with this and he has been gone for almost a month. Kellen will be 6 months old on 5/11. It is heartbreaking coming home to an empty house every night. It is very dificult to grasp because one minute he is here and literally in 24 hours he was gone. After 5 months. Can you even imagine how you would feel if all of a sudden your child - whether new born or tween was all of a sudden gone. The closest thing we can relate it to is a kidnapping. Someone took our child and we don't know this person, we have no idea who is caring for him, what the families are like etc. We not only miss him terribly but we worry about if he is being cared for, abused neglected etc.

It is amazing the things people say to you when you experience a loss. Some people don't say anything at all and avoid you comletely, as if we need something else to worry about (why is this person mad at me, what did I do etc. etc.) Avoidance does not feel like support or like we are being given space. Avoidance feels like the person doesn't care at all. At times like this, you really find out who your friends truly are.

I am finding it very difficult to express myself. Part of it is one minute I am ok, the next I am not. I think I am going insane because I am so indecisive. I want to be ok, I want to "look on the bright sight" but come on, for 7 years I have waited for a child to come into my life and he finally did after an excrutiatingy painfu process. The amount of relief we felt when we finally brought our child home was euphoric. 1 month out of four we really got to enjoy our little man. Then we found out the birthdad was not dead and hell continued.

Kellen was starting to have distinct preferences. He reached for me, he would cry out for us, he would love being held, loved to cuddle and just play with our hands and faces. He was laughing and starting to become more than just a cute little new born. He didn't like being hot, he liked to lay on the floor and watch the fan, he liked watching Big Big World and Dragontails. He loved his jumperoo and would laugh and play for a long while and then fall asleep standing up. He is just GONE.

I miss his face, his sile, his tough, his smell. I miss feeling like i was protecting him from the harsh world, praying for him and just knowing God would never be so cruel as to take that away.

Mothers day is this weekend. This holiday has been hard for me over the last 7 years. I am pretty much the only person left in my entire circle of family and friends who now, does not have a baby. There is only 1 couple I know that is childless and they will, most likely have a baby in the next year. Most people aim for that 3-5 year range and in september it will be their 4th year. I am patiently waiting for the news that they are pregnant.

When you don't have a child, and you want one, there is a void that is just to unexplainable to describe. You can't relate it to much. You try but most people who have kids, get pregnant by accident or by planning it and it just happening. There is no frame of reference for most people. Most peole want to win the lottery. I could not care less about the lottery. I just want a child to raise. I want to raise them according to God's standards and teach him/her all the amazing things in life.

I realize I am rambling. I miss my son. I want my baby back and I want the pain to stop.

There just is not a bright side to this. It doesnt exist right now.

For Me and My Faith

"And I will do whatever you ask in my name so that the son may bring glory to the father. You may ask me for anything in my name and I will do it." John 13-14

"Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up." Galatians 6:9

"Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of Joy" Psalm 126:5

"Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer believe that you have received it and it will be yours." Mark 11:24

"...As you help us with our prayers. Then many will give thanks on our behalf for the gracious favor granted us in answer to the prayers of many." 2 Corinthians 1:11

"If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish and It will be given to you. This is to my father's glory, that you bear much fruit showing yourselves to be my disciples." John 15: 7-8

" I will give you the treasures of darkness, riches stored in secret places, so that you may know I am the Lord, God of Isreal, who summons you by name." Isaiah 45:3

DNA Update

Well as of today the supposed birth father has not taken his part of the DNA test. The judge ordered it be done by April 26th. We just found out yesterday that we have to share the cost of the DNA test with this fool. the total cost is 490$. We had to pay $100 to schedule our part of the test. The DNA swab for Kellen is this Thursday at 2:30. Get this, the lab doing the test is DNA Diagnostics. They call each party and schedule your appt (but you have to put money down in order to schedule), they tell you the location options you have based on your zip code to do the swab. The clinic I get to visit with Kellen is called "Who's Your Daddy DNA?" I just laughed on the phone and said "Are you serious? That is the name of the clinic?" She said "yep, uhuh." as if it was weird I was asking her. I responded with "wow, how Ghetto is that." No response from the representative. So, this will be a treat.

I am very nervous. I seem to be ok, when we don't hear anything but then I get nervous everytime this issue comes up, and I get really sick to my stomach.

One thing that is starting to make us mad is that the information we are told always seems to be changing. For example, we were told by our attorneys that he would have to pay for it, well I guess the judge deemed that unfair because she ordered we pay half. Our attorneys have us taking the swab and being pro-active so that we can show in court we have done everything timely etc.

Hopefully, this guy will take the test and not be the dad, or he will just not show up to the next hearing and we will be done with this mess. One thing I pray does not happen is that this guy shows up and says he cannot afford to pay for the test because if that happens she will most likely delay the hearing until he can afford it. I am believing God for the promises I have received through the bible that this will all work out in the end. I have to believe it. It feels like Kellen is supposed to be with us and God can work miracles. I have to keep remembering the verses that I have read and studied while praying for this situation. It may seem like I am being unrealistic but I would rather be unrealistic and have HOPE than to be realistic and logical and in despair with no hope. I have to remember this is not over YET.

Psalm 37:4 - "Delight in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart."

Matthew 9:29 - "...According to your faith it will be done to you."

Hebrews 11:6 - "His incomparably great power for those who believe is like the inner workings of his mighty strength.

Psalm 77:14 - "You are the God who performs miracles; you display your power among the peoples."

2 Corinthians 1:10-11 "On him we have set our hope that HE will continue to deliver us, as you help us by your prayers."

Isaiah 41:10 "So do not fear for I am with you; do not be dismayed for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Isaiah 41:13 - " For I am the Lord your God who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear, I will help you."

James 1:6 - "But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt. Because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed into the wind."

Num 14:17 - "Now may the Lord's strength be displayed, just as you have declared."

I know everyone is probably tired of hearing about all this and I just want you to know there will be a day when this is all over and at that point I promise my posts will be more joyful. Right now I am just trying to spend as much time with my drooling little monkey as possible.

Thanks for all the prayers, thoughts and words of encouragement. Times like this really reveal who your friends are and I thank God for each and everyone of you. I also thank the Lord for those in the body of Christ who don't even know me, who are sending me e-mails to let me know that they are praying for me or have asked someone else they know to pray for us. It is very difficult for me to rely on other people to make it through tough times and clearly this is a lesson the lord is trying to teach me. As a body, we should be lifting each other up at all times and remember that though there are various Bible believing Christian denominations, we all serve the same Lord and have the same Holy Spirit (triune God) to work on our behalf.

Bless you all.

The Never Ending Saga - The Dude Showed Up

I am sure everyone knows by now that the last hearing was on March 1. We were praying that since the alleged father did not show up for the February hearing he would not show up for the second.

Unfortunately he showed up. The Judge asked him why he didn't make the first hearing since he is the one contesting the adoption, he said because he works nights. Good excuse. My question is if you can't make a court hearing how the hell are you going to take care of a baby if you work nights?! Anyway, the judge has now given him until April 26 to take the DNA test. I am guessing, based on the way this dude operates, that we are going to know ABSOLUTELY NOTHING UNTIL APRIL 26!

I am not handling this very well at all. I cannot believe it has gotten to this point and that I may lose my child. Can you imagine losing your son or daughter forever?! Some people seem to think that it shouldn't be life altering given that he is adopted. That is just crazy to me. He has been with us since 24 hours after birth. He only knows us. Can you imagine what this will be like for him if he goes to a crappy home in which the person providing for him can barely feed him. Kellen is on a routine and it breaks my heart to think of how this would be for him.

I am trying to not dwell on the negative, but until you have been in a position of constant struggle to bring a child into your life and then out of no-where, once you finally think you have made it over the peak of the mountain, have the potential of someone taking your child from you - it is hard to explain that...positive/negative doesn't matter. What matters is sheer strength to make it one more day, one more hour, one more minute. I so desperately want to move on from adoption. I realize it will always be apart of my life, but I am so needing this chapter of our life to end. All I can pray for is that the DNA doesn't match.

Please God! Please do not let the DNA match. I have no idea how I will survive if it is a match and Kellen has to leave us.

Scam #1

Scam #1 began around November 1, 2008. We were informed a birthmom had chosen us and that she was due on January 1, 2oo9. We were elated. It was going to be a girl. We were going to name her Rebekah Caitlyn. We orderd our nurseruy furniture back in August and were expecting it to come in. It arrived early December and we purchased everything a baby would need (stuff most people get at showers - I never had one), diapers, clothes, bath towels, wash rags, desitin, baby shampoo, stocked up on formula, boppy, boppy covers, travel system, pack n play, etc. We had friends help us set everything up. Grandpa came to visit and helped us put shelving in the room. I made crafty initials for RCM to hang on the wall.

Our adoption counselor originally told us this birth mom did not want an open relationship with us. She just wanted to deliver and be over it. We were told that she was hiding from her family so that no one would know she was pregnant. Once she delivered she was going to army boot camp. She also informed us that she had given her about 800$ in living expenses.

Our counselor called us after a visit with Scammer #1 on Dec 22, 2008 to let us know what the birth plan was. The plan was that the Scammer would drive herself to the hospital on her due date, tell them she was having labor pains and that it was her due date and they would get her in for her c-section. Our counselor had called the Hospital and informed them that we were the adoptive parents and we should be called immediately after delivery so we could head up to Fort Wayne. We would then make the drive to Fort Wayne and sign the adoption papers 48 hours after the C-Section. I can't remember the exact date either Jan 2 or Jan 3 I called our adoption counselor and told her we still had not heard anything.

I was an emotional wreck waiting to find out what was going on. You see...I had a back injury that started the morning of New Years Eve. It was so bad that I could not sit or stand. Matt had to take me to the hospital. They said it was a muscle strain, but just to give you an idea I was on morphine, torredol and vicodin and I still felt the pain. I could not walk for a week. I was drugged up while all this was going on and when I am on pain meds I am very very emotional. I cry a lot. Not because of the pain, but because of the feeling of being incapacitated and not able to do things for my self. So...you can imagine where this is going.

Adoption counselor called Matt and told him that Scammer 1's due date was moved to January 11. I thought that was interesting and I asked how that could be. I was told that these girls do not always take care of themselves and do what they are supposed to do. Most of the time they are going to the free clinic. I was basically playcated and thought ok, I will try to trust her since she has dealt with these birth moms for years. She has to be able to get a good read on them. I however, had a feeling in the pit of my stomach that something was not right. I sensed it and became a nervous wreck. I decided that I need to start a bible study to help me manage my emotions. It worked for a bit.

Then Jan 11 came around and we had still not heard anything. I called our AC at about 10 pm in a sheer panic " Hi this is Sarah Mitchell, I am calling because we still have not heard anything and I am guessing that we should have been called by now at least to let us know that the baby was delivered and is healthy or that there was a problem. Please call me back as soon as you can so we know what the heck is going on." She called me back and said "yes you should have heard something, I will follow up tomorrow and call you back. I can't do anything tonight since it is Sunday and after 8:00 pm" I agreed. Matt stayed home the following Monday just in case we needed to head to Fort Wayne.

We never heard anything on Monday.

I called our AC and left another message Tuesday morning. It wasn't very friendly.

I received a call at about 4pm. She said "oh, didn't you get the message I left for Matt at work? (Why the the Hell you would ever leave a message about something this important still irritates me to no end by the way). I said "No, why would we, Matt is home waiting to hear from you about whether or not we are supposed to head to Fort Wayne" She simply said "Oh my gosh, I am so sorry and I don't know how to tell you this or how this happened but..."

Turns out - Scammer #1 delivered her baby way back on December 19 and decided to keep it. Remember how I said up above that our counselor met with her on Dec 22? She wasn't even pregnant the last time they met and came up with the birth plan. She was trying to get as much $MONEY$ in living expenses as she could before her fake due date of Jan 11. So...we prepared for a baby daughter, fell in love with her as we prepared, and then learned we were scammed. We were completely devastated. Words just cannot do those feelings any justice. It was hard to tell people or even talk about it because not only did we have our own questions, all our friends and family had their questions too. Questions we could not answer, questions relating to adoption law etc. We could not even press charges because after Jan 11 - our adoption counselor could not get a hold of Scammer # 1. Why? Because most of these girls cannot afford a monthly payment for a cell phone so they use pre-paid phones. Once they are done with their scam they just go get another phone # with another service.

Needless to say, adoption is already hard enough. To be scammed, almost breaks you. I some how had to figure out how I was going to continue on with this process now. My desire for a child over ruled the pain, I drew close to the Lord and prayed feverently. I cannot say I handled it well. I tried to become a loner, I didn't want to talk to anyone or do anything but then, we received another call. And there was hope. Somebody named Amber had chosen us.

Amber is special. Amber is like no other. Amber was going to be my Juno. Amber has since been charged with adoption fraud:

http://www.wishtv.com/dpp/news/crime/indy-woman-arrested-in-adoption-scheme?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+WISHTV_News+%28WISHTV.com+%7C+Indianapolis%2C+IN+-+News%29

I really want to blog about Amber because she deserves to be in jail for a very long time. But...I want to make sure I don't say anything to hurt the case or whatever. I want my story to be used against her and I will not know at least until sometime this following week. Stay tuned!

DNA Test

I am getting a lot of questions about the status of the DNA Test. As of today we have not heard any more news. We ordered it (meaning our attorney requested he do it before our court date) when we first found out about the man contesting. This doesn't mean this man is court ordered to comply. He can take his time to do whatever he wants. We have a court date on February 3 where this man will have to prove his identity and at that time we are going to ask the judge to mandate a due date by when the results need to be in.

Our attorney has advised us that this could take months to resolve. Why? Because the court appointed this nameless man an attorney. It is more than likely, that when we go to court the man will likely not show up. This is the experience our attorney has had in these situations. THIS DOES NOT MEAN the case is dismissed. This means that we will end up rescheduling court dates as many times as neccesary until this guy can make the drive from Gary, IN to Indianapolis, IN.

For now we know nothing and unfortunately, this is way it will be. We are in limbo until everything is resolved.

Keep in mind, things can change in a miliseconds notice so by this afternoon something else could happen. We are virtually powerless in this situation. All because she said he was dead, rather than having him sign papers.

I will create a new post as soon as I know more.

Thanks everyone!

Unmasking Myself

I feel like rambling on and on about nothing but I can't. Why? Because I am a perfectionist. I can't ramble if I think people I know, who might respect me, will see my rambling, critique it and quite possibly lose respect for me. The thought of people losing respect for me is gut wrenching and almost intolerable. For the sake of my self revelation I am going to do it anyway and see where this ends. I don't have an outline or a plan. I just know I feel like expressing myself for the moment and so I write:

I have spent so much of my life in fear. Fear of people discovering the real me. Who is the real me? I decided to explore this question further by examining myself and see if I could better understand why I feel this way - by means of a journal. In my journaling, I have been praying about it and asking God to reveal the answers to me. What I have discovered is that the fear is related to Political Correctness. I am a conservative, so why would I care? All I can say is paralyzing fear. Fear that people will think I am a Holly Rolling Extremist. But I am not and so the real me takes off the PC Mask. What I am learning about myself is that the real me wants a life fully loaded with things of Christ. I want every aspect of my life to show God is the owner of my car not just the driver. My mask free living begins with living a life fully devoted to showing the world that Christ lives in me. I begin by showing the love that has been revealed to me, to everyone in my life. I just want to love people - all people; those I work with, those I meet on the streets, my friends, friends of friends, and family. It is a desire that is welling up inside me and I feel it may burst at any moment.

I am at the crossroads. Being at home with a child, studying my bible and walking through a valley (adoption) will do that to you I guess. God uses circumstances to reveal himself very clearly in your life. You can choose to follow him through the battlefield, knowing HE is the victor or you can put God in a box and limit him to intellectualized logic. Hence the crossroads. If you choose to intellectualize God, you are severly limiting the power he has in your life. God wants to do amazing things in everyone's life, but it really involves pure unadulterated FAITH. There is no power like the power of the God who created our universe. God wants to reward you with it. Pick up a bible or click here and read Hebrews 11:6.

I am sure the ones to dismiss this post will be those who want proof that God exists. I can't scientifically prove it but I guess my first question is, why do we think we need to have all the answers to all the questions in the universe? What is wrong with not having the answer once in awhile? What purpose does knowing everything serve? What does it really get us? There is always the cliche' that Knowledge is power? Power over what though? Power to limit God from working miracles if you ask me. Don't get me wrong, I love information. I am a data gathering fool - it is part of my personality that I cannot make decisions without having all the data at my hands. Faith is difficult. God never said it was easy but that is why it is called FAITH. Being a person that thrives on facts, faith is hard work for me, but I know I would not be where I am today if it were not for God's mighty hand saving me from a terrible childhood. I was a kid, I could not save myself. God put people in my life to show me and teach me that I could call on him when I needed him and he would always guide me in making the best decisions.

For most of my adult life people have said to me that I am a hardworker, I care about things, I never give up and that I always make the right decision. These are not talents. Working hard is a choice. Anyone can work hard if they choose to. I never give up or quit things because I choose to go on. This is not a talent or skill either. These are choices. Everyone on this planet has the capability of making a choice. Sometimes I make the harder choice but that isn't a skill or a talent, it is a direct result of praying to my mighty Lord and asking him to give me wisdom and knowledge to make the right choices and almost always asking God to help me make the selfless choice.

My Lord is always bringing me through and he is the reason I can keep going when it comes to this adoption. He gives me hope. I refuse to even think that God is causing this drama. He is allowing it for a period, and he will bring us through. This I know, because he has NEVER let me down. As I write about our adoption fall throughs, I do not believe they are let downs and they are certainly not God's punishment. They are the situations that lead to the most perfect, amazing, lovable, beautiful little boy that is my son. My God is bigger than any DNA test. My God is my deliverer and he cannot be defeated. Kellen is not going anywhere, because God delivered him to Me and Matt. P.E.R.I.O.D.

Birth mom #3 – An Honorable Mention

Birth mom #3 is going to remain nameless. Why? Because she is insignificant pen mark on the birth mom rating scale of “How Traumatizing Was This for Matt and Sarah?”

Why mention it then?

Well it gives you an idea of what we have had to deal with when it comes to the agency we work with. This in itself is ½ of the stress of adoption. The agency acts as a vehicle to bring birth mothers into the picture for adoptive couples. In a fully private adoption, we would have had to advertise on our own which would have been more difficult, more time consuming and even more expensive. We thought that since the founder of our agency had a marketing degree and had several reach out programs for expectant mothers that this would be a great thing for us. Given what we know now, we may have just spent the extra cash to avoid all of the “issues” we had.

If you recall from the previous post, I mentioned that we were required to make a list (on several different sets of paperwork) of things we were not open to. We listed:

No Twins
No Meth/Crack Use
No Disability

I explained why we were not open to meth/crack and disabilities, so now I will explain why we were not open to twins.

Twins are actually a blessing. If I were able to get pregnant and was expecting twins, I know that I would embrace it with all my heart and somehow, like most people do, figure out how to make it work. The issues for us are emotional capability and financial stability. While I believe that we are mature enough to handle twins it is hard to say how we would deak if we were actually in the the situation. Having a baby in itself is life changing. Children are a gift from God but they are a tremendous amount of work. Especially, if you want to raise them right, with the proper amount of care and attention. We knew it would more than likely be a strange adjustment for us and coming from broken homes, we wanted to make sure we did not bite off more than we could chew. Remember, we have been married for 8 years and together for almost 12. We have been able to do whatever we want when we want because we have really had no responsibilities – except for the pups. You can board pups when you go on vacation and you don’t have to clothe them or send them to college. Children are an entirely different ball game.

Twins would mean taking all the challenges we were going to have to face and multiplying it by two all at once, including costs; daycare, diapers, clothes, etc.

Now the part that doesn't make any sense.

I explained in my first post that after the situation with Frances we expected our adoption counselor to call Matt with the opportunities and inquiries. I had determined there was a personality conflict and that I could not communicate with her. Why? Because I felt like she was flighty. I have a hard time communicating with people who can’t keep stories straight. If you have a bad memory – take notes. More so, when it is your job and I am paying you thousands upon thousands of dollars to do said job you best be on your A game. I am not paying you for the fun of paying you.

Anyway, One day - I get a call on my cell. I saw who it was an immediately became anxious. It was our counselor. I answered.

“Hi Sarah, it’s A. I am calling with good news. I have a birth mom and birth father here that just finished looking at your bio and they are very very excited about you and Matt. They are a bi-racial couple. She is black and he is white. They love your bio. Can you come meet them today?”

Oh, Oh My Gosh! Really? Well, we can’t meet today because Matt works in Columbus and he is 45 minutes away. You will need to call Matt on his cell phone and see what works for him”

“Oh, ok. Well they are really excited. They have chosen you guys so the sooner you meet them the better.”

I hung up and called Matt and told him she would be calling him.

Matt called me about 35 minutes later and said “I am not exactly sure how this happened but they showed our profile to a couple expecting twins. Twin Boys actually – due in January.”

I was annoyed. “Wait, huh - we indicated on our paperwork that we were not open to twins. Why on earth did our profile get shown to a couple having twins? First the disability and now this? It seems like they are just ignoring our wishes.”

Matt's response to me was “Yeah I am not quite sure, but I told her that we were not open to twins and asked her to make sure that she checks our paperwork next time before showing us again. I am also going to call the director and double check all the paperwork.”

He called and the agency told him – "You are right. We are very sorry. We showed you and we aren’t sure why. It will not happen again."

Now, at the time, this is was not that big of an issue. But later, a few months after this it actually becomes a bigger issue. I was very annoyed though since it just seems like a blatant disregard for what we have requested in our adoption experience. How hard is it to just pay attention to paperwork? Apparently, more difficult than I thought.

Even though we were not open to twins, I still felt a little let down. Every time an opportunity presents itself there is an emotional high that you experience. What if THIS is the one. You allow yourself to think and talk about potentials and when the opportunity goes away you feel sad and wonder when the next call will come.

Birth Mom #2 of 8 - An Emotional Wreck

One of the things you have to do when you first sign up for adoption is decide what types of things you will accept when it comes to a birth mom, a newborn or infant (depending on what age you are considering). These decisions include issues such as a smoking, drug use, alcohol use, prescription drug use, physical/mental handicaps, twins, etc. When we were approached about our “list” of things we would accept we were a bit confused by all the different effects certain drugs had on a fetus. One thing we knew for certain was that I would not, nor would I probably ever be, emotionally capable of dealing with certain physical or mental handicaps. Not because I am not smart enough to gain the skills necessary to take care of a child with a handicap but because I am significantly affected emotionally when I hear examples about this kind of thing. Another big reason I didn’t think I could handle a birth defect was because I have experience with it already on a day to day basis Some of you may or may not know this already, but my younger brother has complex partial epilepsy. He started having seizures his senior year in high school but was not fully diagnosed until he turned 21.His entire life changed and suddenly he could not do the things he had always done without fear of a seizure putting him in terrible danger

I remember the night I found out about his seizures. It was very strange. I came back to visit my family from Seattle and we were driving back to Chico from Sacramento. We had just finished eating dinner at Hungry Hunter. Jason and I were in the back seat laughing our butts off at something Grandpa was saying to Grandma. The next thing I know, Jason is looking at me drooling but trying to say something to me like “be quiet” but it was not audible or understandable. He turned blue and I was in shock. I actually thought he was playing some cruel joke on me. A cruel joke would not be a surprise because he and Grandpa have a strange sense of humor. One that in most cases usually resulted in my grandma getting ready to call 911 for emergency assistance. I am to this day, surprised my grandma never had a heart attack from the “jokes” they liked to play. Anyway, come to find out Jason was having seizures and was later diagnosed with epilepsy. He was now the same person unable to do things he had always done without a huge risk to his life. He was in denial for a really long time and we were all very worried for him. Imagine driving a car from the time you were sixteen, you had a sense of freedom – no one could take that away. Suddenly Jason had no more freedom. It wasn’t just painful for him though, it was painful for everyone. We all wanted to help or fix it but just could not it. Years later we have all adjusted but there is an ever-present fear that something might happen to him.

Epilepsy is carried on by our dad’s side of the family. My paternal grandfather had it. We never really knew him and as kids, it was never an issue for us. Then, Jason was diagnosed and everyone’s life changed. He has been in two very serious car accidents and lucky to be alive. He has been on many Rx cocktails to prevent the seizures over the years. They work for awhile but then he ends up having break through seizures. At any rate, he tries to live a normal life but he depends on friends and family heavily. We are always happy to help him but he feels like a burden. He is always nervous to go places because he might have a seizure.
You might be thinking “why is she talking about epilepsy as part of the adoption post?”

I am getting to that. Bear with me.

In order to make a good educated decision about what types of things we were willing to accept or not accept when it came to our child we decided to have a discussion with the pediatrician we had chosen – Dr. Smith.

Dr. Smith explained that some issues are easier to deal with than others. If I were pregnant none of these things would be an issue, but because we are adopting we have to determine the things we can deal with and things that would be biting off way more than we can chew. All of these things are bad and unhealthy for a baby to be exposed to but in adoption you have to give and take or the chances of you being shown to a birth mom are greatly reduced. In fact, if you work with our agency you do not have a choice when it comes to cigarettes because 90% of the birth mothers smoke.

In talking with Dr. Smith we learned:

Cigarette/marijuana smoking will more than likely result in low birth weight, premature birth and issues with asthma and colic. Baby will likely not have defects but there is always a risk. Born addicted to nicotine but will go away with time. Colic is the big issue.

Cocaine & Heroine would cause addiction that can be treated when the baby is born. It would almost be guaranteed to have severe colic.

Meth would result in many different problems. Child would have colic, more than likely mental/physical birth defects, behavioral problems etc.

These are just some of the issues and I can’t explain them all. For the sake of this post I will just let you know that our decision was:

• No twins
• No Meth/Crack Use
• No Disability

Our decision was clearly communicated to the adoption counselor who completed our home study. It was on three or four different pieces of paperwork as well.
Shortly after birth mom # 1 I received a call from the agency. Our adoption counselor said she was excited to tell me that a birth mom had chosen us again. Her name for the sake of this post will be Tina. Tina lived on the Southside of Indy like us. She had three kids and was expecting the 4th – a boy. She could not take care of him since three of her kids had disabilities and she could not afford the care for the three she had. She wanted an open adoption and wanted me to call her when I got home in the evening.

I was shocked when I heard the word disabilities. What the heck? I thought. I know we told them no disabilities. I asked her what the disabilities were. She told me they were related to weak muscles. Ok. That isn’t that big of a deal I guess. Still…we were going to have to have a conversation about this. There is a reason we marked certain things off on the list. I would just talk to Matt about it later and he would make sure they understood.

I got home from work, got my bible out and began to pray for the words to speak to this birthmom. I prayed for words to comfort her and ease her mind about our ability to be parents to her child. I prayed for God to give me the excited tone in my voice t to avoid another situation like we had with birth mom #1. I also prayed for peace and wisdom to discern if this situation didn’t seem right.

I called Tina. The conversation went something like this:

“HI Tina this is Sarah. How are you?”

“Oh Hi, I am ok. The agency told me about you and I was wondering if you could help me figure out of I want to place my son for adoption. I have three kids right now and they all have disabilities. . I don’t work and I am on public assistance. I just got a notice that they was going to turn my power off soon if I don’t find a way to the pay my bill. I am thinking I want to let the lady from first steps adopt my son since she had my kids for a few months a year ago while I got on my feet. She had my kids and she said she would adopt this baby. I get a lot of help from her. The baby’s dad is in jail so I need to figure out how I can pay my bills. Did the agency tell you any of this?”

In my head I panicked “wait what? Trying to decide on adoption? Disabilities? Money? This is like a counseling call, I don’t work for the agency. I am not a sales person – I can’t sell adoption. I can only explain how we will be good parents” Self…try to explain how you will be good parents.

“They mentioned that you had chosen me and my husband as the parents for your child. We are very excited about that. Are you saying you are not sure?”

“Why are you and your husband adopting?”

“I cannot have children for various reasons”

“Wow, you are sooooo lucky. I wish I could not get pregnant. I have sex and get pregnant. Wish I could have sex and not get pregnant. I bet you like that. That would be the greatest thing in the world.”

Thinking to self “wow, planned parenthood gives out free contraceptives that would be a good start. ouch! I really hate when people say things like this to me. It really hurts emotionally. They have no idea what they are saying. Just give her a chance though.”

I respond “Actually no, I really want kids I would give anything to have kids.”

“How long have you been married, what does your husband do?”

“We have been married since 2001. My husband is a CPA.”

“You have been married for a long time. What is a CPA? Do you make good money? Do you take vacations?”

“A CPA is an accountant. We vacation when we can. We go back to MI a lot though. That is where our families llive.”

“What is an accountant? Do you make good money? I bet you make good money. I need money for my lights. Can you ask the agency about that?”

Self “wow…all she is asking about is money? The agency says ignore these questions. This is a good indication she is not going to follow through with an adoption plan. She just wants living expenses. Try to get off the phone by telling her she needs to call the agency about that.”

“Well, you will actually need to speak to the agency about your power bill. I can call you back tomorrow once you talk to them if you want.

“Yeah, I will call them. Do you want to talk to my daughter she is a trip. She can’t walk very well. That is why first steps comes to my house. That lady, she helps me financially when I need the help and she takes us to Mc Donalds once a week. We sometimes go to the zoo as well. Do you think the agency will help with my power bill. I need heat with three kids? My son has epilepsy. I can’t afford his meds either so the first steps lady helps with that when she can. You know this baby is prolly gonna have epilepsy. Do you know what epilepsy is?”

At this point, I knew she was not going to place. She just wanted a way to pay for her power bill. What I was really irritated about was the fact that the agency put me in the position of having to counsel someone into adoption. I was even more angry that they completely disregarded my desire to not be shown to birth moms with a possibility of disability. Why? Because then I would have to say no to the bm. In this situation, I could not take the chance with her because she kept talking about money and because of the epilepsy. I am not capable emotionally of dealing with this disability in one of my own children because it is already heart breaking enough for me to have to constantly be worried about my brother. It may sound terrible but I know my own limits. I don’t want to turn a child down, but I can’t do it. I know I am not strong enough. But then…what does that say about me as a sister? How horrible is it, that I wouldn’t choose a baby with a disability the same as my own brother. What is my brother going to think about this? Is it going to make him feel terrible about himself. Damn. I can’t believe this is happening. I just wanted a baby. I just want to talk to someone who understands and wants to do the right thing by their child. I don’t want to add all this emotional crap to the situation as well.

I finally responded to her.

“Yes, I am familiar with epilepsy. My younger brother has it. It is a very scary disability to have.”

She interrupted me “do you think you could help me with my heat?”

“ Iam really sorry, you will have to call the agency. There are strict rules about that. How about we talk tomorrow after you speak with the agency?

“Oh ok. Call me tomorrow then”

I immediately called our counselor and told her that I was not interested in her because I felt like she was strictly trying to find money. I am not a government funded agency. I am one half of an adoptive couple that wants a baby. Also, I am pretty sure we said no disabilities can you please double check our paperwork.

The agency apologized profusely for putting us in that position.

Two days later they called me back to ask me if I was sure because Tina really liked me.

Again, She only wants living expenses we are not interested.

That was the first and the last time I verbalized my concern and stuck to my guns.

Birth Mom #1 of 8 - Our journey of walking in faith begins

This entire adoption process began as a "journey" into the unknown. I knew it was going to be hard and I remember walking away from the initial meeting with the agency where they counseled you on all the things that could go wrong, crying - all the way home. This meeting was basically an introduction counseling session so to speak. There were about 10 other adoptive couples who had either been trying for years to conceive and finally gave up or those like us just checking it out to see if adoption was where they wanted to start and not go through the difficulty of even trying to get pregnant. For us this adoption journey made the most sense. I have been told for many years that I could not have children and never wanted to go through the pain of various treatments knowing that the liklihood of me actually carrying the baby to term successfully was minimal. Why waste the emotional energy and money ($30,000)if we might not end up with what we wanted in the end - a baby. We got married knowing I couldn't have kids and I didn't want to torture myself with miscarriages etc.

The initial counseling session was all about the cost and the risk of adoption. They said that the liklihood of these certain risks was very minimal but the risk was there and we needed to know what we were getting into. I cried all the way home telling Matt that I didn't know if I was strong enough to do it. He carried me though, he told me that he loved me and that I was one of the strongest individuals he has ever known and that we could make it. We could achieve our dream of having a baby. We have achieved almost everything we have dreamed early on in our marriage,w e could certainly handle this. We are Christians we have a devout faith in a God of miracles and God would carry us when we could not carry ourselves.

Our home study done in August of 2008. We choose plan 1 (white/hispanic) and we also opted for plan 3 (african american/bi-racial). We decided that we were going to leave our options open because we believe all children are entitled to a good home and that we would eventually end up with the child that God had ordained for us. We went active on the adoption registry. We were so hopeful that our journey would end within the Agencies average of 6-8 weeks. Our hopes were furthered when we put our profile together and were immediately chosen by a birth mom. For the sake of keeping this anonymous I will name her Frances. I received the call about Frances at work from our adoption counselor. Frances "chose us" and wanted to meet us. I was originally told she was 16 and this was her 5th pregnancy. First pregnany she miscarried, second one died after birth - as a result of her boyfriend trying to kill her, and the third child who was 2 was placed in Foster because she could not take care of him. This pregnancy was a result of an incestuous relationship with her brother. Disturbing, yes. Would we walk away from the child because of it, NO. All children deserve a good hom. Anwyway, Frances, wanted to talk to me on the phone. Frances also was a chrystal meth user who was at a sober house. I talked to her on the phone and was extremely nervous. These girls are allowed to ask anything they want. They are also usually destitute and on some sort of government assistance. Sometimes they are from the streets and sometimes they are college students who have made a bad mistake. Sometimes they are teens and the parents of the teens are wanting them to make the choice that will provide a better future for their pregnant teen. In this case, she was a heavy drug user who was impregnated by her brother. I am not a social worker so I had no idea how to act on the phone. She asked me about my marriage, did I go to college, did Matt go to college, did we have good jobs, do we go on vacations, will this baby be spoiled, is this our first baby etc. etc. I answered honestly, but I was very nervous. I am by nature a very anxious person. Until I know you or we immediately click I am very quiet and sometimes I struggle with carrying on a conversation.

To be approved for adoption you are basically tortured with red tape.We are put through intensive background checks by the Counties, Cities, and States we have lived in for up to 10 years you also have to be fingerprinted and tested by the FBI. We had to give all our financial info over, and if you have a negative net worth you cannot adopt. You have to be able to take a certain amount of time to take off work, you have to be able to go anywhere at anytime without any reservations. You lose all control over your life and it becomes an open book. You become vulnerable. SOmething I usually am not and I make every effort not to be in every other aspect of my life.

At any rate Frances wanted to meet us. We met her at Applebees with our adoption counselor. I put on a super smile and went in there gung ho about convincing this lady that WE were the right parents for this baby. I was so nervouse I ordered diet pepsi when it came to the table I accidently put splenda in it because I thought I ordered iced tea. I felt like a complete idiot. Frances had a very stern look on her face and looked more than a little irritated. I tried to make small talk about our nursery, baby gear etc. Asked her what she envisioned from us and I got one word answers. She wasn't working well with me. Our counselor decided to go use the restroom and Frances told me that she almost backed out of meeting us and that she didn't want to come. She tried to call our counselor at midnight to tell her but she didn't answer. I was shocked. Deflated. What?? Why the hell are we here then I thought. This is a wasted of our time. But then she said she liked us and we seemed like a successful couple and she started to talk. She asked me about the pictures of our Siberian huskies. Apparently she LOVED animals. Well...i do too. Finally something we can talk about. She ordered two meals and took one meal home. We said our goodbyes and we both Matt and I gave her hug. She chose us and we were excited.

Five days later I get a call from the agency. Frances said that I was not exited enough about her baby so she chose a different couple? Huh?? I was very confused. I was told that I came across harsh and that next time I need to be a lot more excited because these girls want to be treated like princesses. I was devasted. I cried and I obviously became even more nervous about the next time I would have to talk to a birth mom. I am not an actor by any means but when I am excited you know I am excited and I was definitely excited about this oppotunity so I was very confused. Our counselor had the director of the agency call me because according to them "professionals" like me and matt who have either worked in accounting or engineering have a difficult time identifying with birth moms and being more gentle etc. Going with the flow so to speak.

Again....I was devasted. An emotional wreck thinking we are never going to have a child because I can't act. Great.

Turns out....none of this was the real reason she dropped us. The real reason was, she started using Meth again and ran off to vegas with some guy. However, I did not find this out until after the 5th birth mom. So..the agency made me feel like I did something wrong or was not good enough, when the real reason was, she was an addict and actually had some phsychological problems.

We could not get our money back so Matt told the agency...no more calling me. they needed to call him, so he - the easy going one could shelter me.

I began to dig deep into my bible to find verses that would help me claim victory over worry and fear. That what we were doing was what the Lord instilled on my heart from the time I was very young.

When I was twelve - before I ever knew I could not have children, I told my Grandmother, Mom, Aunt and Aunt Sharrie that I was never going to have kids. I just sensed it. I told them that I would eventually adopt. So I know, and have known my entire life that this journey was going to be ahead of me. I just had no idea what it was going to entail.

I know feel like I need to get all these stories out so that I can get to reason why I actually feel like I have faith that Kellen is not going to be taken away. I am not going to lie, I am having bits of pain here and there at the thought or the potential of him being taken away but in my heart I feel like he will not be going anywhere.

Thanks so much everyone for the support. Thanks to Dorothy for the gem below, which I needed ASAP. It along with another e-mail I received yesterday has given me the confidence to speak boldly in faith.

Mark 11:22-24:

22"Have faith in God," Jesus answered. 23"I tell you the truth, if anyone says to this mountain, 'Go, throw yourself into the sea,' and does not doubt in his heart but believes that what he says will happen, it will be done for him. 24 Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours.

and the Birth Dad Wants His Child

The birth father filed a petition. He wants to persue this. We do not know anything about this guy. He is willing to take the DNA test. If he passes the DNA test we lose Kellen. No fighting in court. He wins.

The only way we get to keep him is if he doesn't pass the test and tries to get custody in court. Well..why would someone who is not the dad want to fight for a baby that isn't his? Well, if he wins, he doesn't get the baby. The baby goes back to the mom. He doesn't get custody regardless.

I have no idea how to explain what I am feeling. I am faced with being logical and realistic which means we will be losing our child. It makes no sense for someone to agree to a DNA test if he isn't the father. How can we fight with someone we know nothing about. To say he is a loser is an assumption. She lied, so...what we know is he was dead and now he isn't.

After everything else we have been through....the pain, the difficulty - those emotions NEVER compared to the overwhelming loss, fear, anxiety, hopelessness and whatever other name you want to attach to it. Now we somehow have to muster the strength to get through this. I don't know if I can.

By the time we know I will have used all my leave which means even if we wanted to adopt again, I have no more time, we have spent so much money on this now and there is no way we will get any of it back. I mean....there are so many things wrong with this. We can't sue the agency, we can't sue anyone. If it happens it just happens and we have to let go.

Please tell me how?????????

Waiting Sucks! It is almost over though...

4 more days and praying nothing happens.

While we are waiting we are having as much fun as we can. We took our little monkey to have pictures taken. I wish we had done this when we first brought him home but it is ok. I was trying to wait until the adoption was finalized in March but I couldn't stand it anymore. We decided to do it now. I am glad we did. It took my mind of the the situation in my previous post.

The last few weeks have been a blast! Christmas was actually really fun and not ruined by any of the news we received. We took K to see Santa. It was adorable. He slept the entire time, but the ladies who take the picture were really excited because Santa does an amazing pic with sleeping babies in which he poses with a really huge book open and the sleeping baby on his lap. I will scan the pic and post later.