This entire adoption process began as a "journey" into the unknown. I knew it was going to be hard and I remember walking away from the initial meeting with the agency where they counseled you on all the things that could go wrong, crying - all the way home. This meeting was basically an introduction counseling session so to speak. There were about 10 other adoptive couples who had either been trying for years to conceive and finally gave up or those like us just checking it out to see if adoption was where they wanted to start and not go through the difficulty of even trying to get pregnant. For us this adoption journey made the most sense. I have been told for many years that I could not have children and never wanted to go through the pain of various treatments knowing that the liklihood of me actually carrying the baby to term successfully was minimal. Why waste the emotional energy and money ($30,000)if we might not end up with what we wanted in the end - a baby. We got married knowing I couldn't have kids and I didn't want to torture myself with miscarriages etc.
The initial counseling session was all about the cost and the risk of adoption. They said that the liklihood of these certain risks was very minimal but the risk was there and we needed to know what we were getting into. I cried all the way home telling Matt that I didn't know if I was strong enough to do it. He carried me though, he told me that he loved me and that I was one of the strongest individuals he has ever known and that we could make it. We could achieve our dream of having a baby. We have achieved almost everything we have dreamed early on in our marriage,w e could certainly handle this. We are Christians we have a devout faith in a God of miracles and God would carry us when we could not carry ourselves.
Our home study done in August of 2008. We choose plan 1 (white/hispanic) and we also opted for plan 3 (african american/bi-racial). We decided that we were going to leave our options open because we believe all children are entitled to a good home and that we would eventually end up with the child that God had ordained for us. We went active on the adoption registry. We were so hopeful that our journey would end within the Agencies average of 6-8 weeks. Our hopes were furthered when we put our profile together and were immediately chosen by a birth mom. For the sake of keeping this anonymous I will name her Frances. I received the call about Frances at work from our adoption counselor. Frances "chose us" and wanted to meet us. I was originally told she was 16 and this was her 5th pregnancy. First pregnany she miscarried, second one died after birth - as a result of her boyfriend trying to kill her, and the third child who was 2 was placed in Foster because she could not take care of him. This pregnancy was a result of an incestuous relationship with her brother. Disturbing, yes. Would we walk away from the child because of it, NO. All children deserve a good hom. Anwyway, Frances, wanted to talk to me on the phone. Frances also was a chrystal meth user who was at a sober house. I talked to her on the phone and was extremely nervous. These girls are allowed to ask anything they want. They are also usually destitute and on some sort of government assistance. Sometimes they are from the streets and sometimes they are college students who have made a bad mistake. Sometimes they are teens and the parents of the teens are wanting them to make the choice that will provide a better future for their pregnant teen. In this case, she was a heavy drug user who was impregnated by her brother. I am not a social worker so I had no idea how to act on the phone. She asked me about my marriage, did I go to college, did Matt go to college, did we have good jobs, do we go on vacations, will this baby be spoiled, is this our first baby etc. etc. I answered honestly, but I was very nervous. I am by nature a very anxious person. Until I know you or we immediately click I am very quiet and sometimes I struggle with carrying on a conversation.
To be approved for adoption you are basically tortured with red tape.We are put through intensive background checks by the Counties, Cities, and States we have lived in for up to 10 years you also have to be fingerprinted and tested by the FBI. We had to give all our financial info over, and if you have a negative net worth you cannot adopt. You have to be able to take a certain amount of time to take off work, you have to be able to go anywhere at anytime without any reservations. You lose all control over your life and it becomes an open book. You become vulnerable. SOmething I usually am not and I make every effort not to be in every other aspect of my life.
At any rate Frances wanted to meet us. We met her at Applebees with our adoption counselor. I put on a super smile and went in there gung ho about convincing this lady that WE were the right parents for this baby. I was so nervouse I ordered diet pepsi when it came to the table I accidently put splenda in it because I thought I ordered iced tea. I felt like a complete idiot. Frances had a very stern look on her face and looked more than a little irritated. I tried to make small talk about our nursery, baby gear etc. Asked her what she envisioned from us and I got one word answers. She wasn't working well with me. Our counselor decided to go use the restroom and Frances told me that she almost backed out of meeting us and that she didn't want to come. She tried to call our counselor at midnight to tell her but she didn't answer. I was shocked. Deflated. What?? Why the hell are we here then I thought. This is a wasted of our time. But then she said she liked us and we seemed like a successful couple and she started to talk. She asked me about the pictures of our Siberian huskies. Apparently she LOVED animals. Well...i do too. Finally something we can talk about. She ordered two meals and took one meal home. We said our goodbyes and we both Matt and I gave her hug. She chose us and we were excited.
Five days later I get a call from the agency. Frances said that I was not exited enough about her baby so she chose a different couple? Huh?? I was very confused. I was told that I came across harsh and that next time I need to be a lot more excited because these girls want to be treated like princesses. I was devasted. I cried and I obviously became even more nervous about the next time I would have to talk to a birth mom. I am not an actor by any means but when I am excited you know I am excited and I was definitely excited about this oppotunity so I was very confused. Our counselor had the director of the agency call me because according to them "professionals" like me and matt who have either worked in accounting or engineering have a difficult time identifying with birth moms and being more gentle etc. Going with the flow so to speak.
Again....I was devasted. An emotional wreck thinking we are never going to have a child because I can't act. Great.
Turns out....none of this was the real reason she dropped us. The real reason was, she started using Meth again and ran off to vegas with some guy. However, I did not find this out until after the 5th birth mom. So..the agency made me feel like I did something wrong or was not good enough, when the real reason was, she was an addict and actually had some phsychological problems.
We could not get our money back so Matt told the agency...no more calling me. they needed to call him, so he - the easy going one could shelter me.
I began to dig deep into my bible to find verses that would help me claim victory over worry and fear. That what we were doing was what the Lord instilled on my heart from the time I was very young.
When I was twelve - before I ever knew I could not have children, I told my Grandmother, Mom, Aunt and Aunt Sharrie that I was never going to have kids. I just sensed it. I told them that I would eventually adopt. So I know, and have known my entire life that this journey was going to be ahead of me. I just had no idea what it was going to entail.
I know feel like I need to get all these stories out so that I can get to reason why I actually feel like I have faith that Kellen is not going to be taken away. I am not going to lie, I am having bits of pain here and there at the thought or the potential of him being taken away but in my heart I feel like he will not be going anywhere.
Thanks so much everyone for the support. Thanks to Dorothy for the gem below, which I needed ASAP. It along with another e-mail I received yesterday has given me the confidence to speak boldly in faith.
Mark 11:22-24:
22"Have faith in God," Jesus answered. 23"I tell you the truth, if anyone says to this mountain, 'Go, throw yourself into the sea,' and does not doubt in his heart but believes that what he says will happen, it will be done for him. 24 Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours.
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