Unmasking Myself

I feel like rambling on and on about nothing but I can't. Why? Because I am a perfectionist. I can't ramble if I think people I know, who might respect me, will see my rambling, critique it and quite possibly lose respect for me. The thought of people losing respect for me is gut wrenching and almost intolerable. For the sake of my self revelation I am going to do it anyway and see where this ends. I don't have an outline or a plan. I just know I feel like expressing myself for the moment and so I write:

I have spent so much of my life in fear. Fear of people discovering the real me. Who is the real me? I decided to explore this question further by examining myself and see if I could better understand why I feel this way - by means of a journal. In my journaling, I have been praying about it and asking God to reveal the answers to me. What I have discovered is that the fear is related to Political Correctness. I am a conservative, so why would I care? All I can say is paralyzing fear. Fear that people will think I am a Holly Rolling Extremist. But I am not and so the real me takes off the PC Mask. What I am learning about myself is that the real me wants a life fully loaded with things of Christ. I want every aspect of my life to show God is the owner of my car not just the driver. My mask free living begins with living a life fully devoted to showing the world that Christ lives in me. I begin by showing the love that has been revealed to me, to everyone in my life. I just want to love people - all people; those I work with, those I meet on the streets, my friends, friends of friends, and family. It is a desire that is welling up inside me and I feel it may burst at any moment.

I am at the crossroads. Being at home with a child, studying my bible and walking through a valley (adoption) will do that to you I guess. God uses circumstances to reveal himself very clearly in your life. You can choose to follow him through the battlefield, knowing HE is the victor or you can put God in a box and limit him to intellectualized logic. Hence the crossroads. If you choose to intellectualize God, you are severly limiting the power he has in your life. God wants to do amazing things in everyone's life, but it really involves pure unadulterated FAITH. There is no power like the power of the God who created our universe. God wants to reward you with it. Pick up a bible or click here and read Hebrews 11:6.

I am sure the ones to dismiss this post will be those who want proof that God exists. I can't scientifically prove it but I guess my first question is, why do we think we need to have all the answers to all the questions in the universe? What is wrong with not having the answer once in awhile? What purpose does knowing everything serve? What does it really get us? There is always the cliche' that Knowledge is power? Power over what though? Power to limit God from working miracles if you ask me. Don't get me wrong, I love information. I am a data gathering fool - it is part of my personality that I cannot make decisions without having all the data at my hands. Faith is difficult. God never said it was easy but that is why it is called FAITH. Being a person that thrives on facts, faith is hard work for me, but I know I would not be where I am today if it were not for God's mighty hand saving me from a terrible childhood. I was a kid, I could not save myself. God put people in my life to show me and teach me that I could call on him when I needed him and he would always guide me in making the best decisions.

For most of my adult life people have said to me that I am a hardworker, I care about things, I never give up and that I always make the right decision. These are not talents. Working hard is a choice. Anyone can work hard if they choose to. I never give up or quit things because I choose to go on. This is not a talent or skill either. These are choices. Everyone on this planet has the capability of making a choice. Sometimes I make the harder choice but that isn't a skill or a talent, it is a direct result of praying to my mighty Lord and asking him to give me wisdom and knowledge to make the right choices and almost always asking God to help me make the selfless choice.

My Lord is always bringing me through and he is the reason I can keep going when it comes to this adoption. He gives me hope. I refuse to even think that God is causing this drama. He is allowing it for a period, and he will bring us through. This I know, because he has NEVER let me down. As I write about our adoption fall throughs, I do not believe they are let downs and they are certainly not God's punishment. They are the situations that lead to the most perfect, amazing, lovable, beautiful little boy that is my son. My God is bigger than any DNA test. My God is my deliverer and he cannot be defeated. Kellen is not going anywhere, because God delivered him to Me and Matt. P.E.R.I.O.D.