Birth mom #3 is going to remain nameless. Why? Because she is insignificant pen mark on the birth mom rating scale of “How Traumatizing Was This for Matt and Sarah?”
Why mention it then?
Well it gives you an idea of what we have had to deal with when it comes to the agency we work with. This in itself is ½ of the stress of adoption. The agency acts as a vehicle to bring birth mothers into the picture for adoptive couples. In a fully private adoption, we would have had to advertise on our own which would have been more difficult, more time consuming and even more expensive. We thought that since the founder of our agency had a marketing degree and had several reach out programs for expectant mothers that this would be a great thing for us. Given what we know now, we may have just spent the extra cash to avoid all of the “issues” we had.
If you recall from the previous post, I mentioned that we were required to make a list (on several different sets of paperwork) of things we were not open to. We listed:
No Twins
No Meth/Crack Use
No Disability
I explained why we were not open to meth/crack and disabilities, so now I will explain why we were not open to twins.
Twins are actually a blessing. If I were able to get pregnant and was expecting twins, I know that I would embrace it with all my heart and somehow, like most people do, figure out how to make it work. The issues for us are emotional capability and financial stability. While I believe that we are mature enough to handle twins it is hard to say how we would deak if we were actually in the the situation. Having a baby in itself is life changing. Children are a gift from God but they are a tremendous amount of work. Especially, if you want to raise them right, with the proper amount of care and attention. We knew it would more than likely be a strange adjustment for us and coming from broken homes, we wanted to make sure we did not bite off more than we could chew. Remember, we have been married for 8 years and together for almost 12. We have been able to do whatever we want when we want because we have really had no responsibilities – except for the pups. You can board pups when you go on vacation and you don’t have to clothe them or send them to college. Children are an entirely different ball game.
Twins would mean taking all the challenges we were going to have to face and multiplying it by two all at once, including costs; daycare, diapers, clothes, etc.
Now the part that doesn't make any sense.
I explained in my first post that after the situation with Frances we expected our adoption counselor to call Matt with the opportunities and inquiries. I had determined there was a personality conflict and that I could not communicate with her. Why? Because I felt like she was flighty. I have a hard time communicating with people who can’t keep stories straight. If you have a bad memory – take notes. More so, when it is your job and I am paying you thousands upon thousands of dollars to do said job you best be on your A game. I am not paying you for the fun of paying you.
Anyway, One day - I get a call on my cell. I saw who it was an immediately became anxious. It was our counselor. I answered.
“Hi Sarah, it’s A. I am calling with good news. I have a birth mom and birth father here that just finished looking at your bio and they are very very excited about you and Matt. They are a bi-racial couple. She is black and he is white. They love your bio. Can you come meet them today?”
Oh, Oh My Gosh! Really? Well, we can’t meet today because Matt works in Columbus and he is 45 minutes away. You will need to call Matt on his cell phone and see what works for him”
“Oh, ok. Well they are really excited. They have chosen you guys so the sooner you meet them the better.”
I hung up and called Matt and told him she would be calling him.
Matt called me about 35 minutes later and said “I am not exactly sure how this happened but they showed our profile to a couple expecting twins. Twin Boys actually – due in January.”
I was annoyed. “Wait, huh - we indicated on our paperwork that we were not open to twins. Why on earth did our profile get shown to a couple having twins? First the disability and now this? It seems like they are just ignoring our wishes.”
Matt's response to me was “Yeah I am not quite sure, but I told her that we were not open to twins and asked her to make sure that she checks our paperwork next time before showing us again. I am also going to call the director and double check all the paperwork.”
He called and the agency told him – "You are right. We are very sorry. We showed you and we aren’t sure why. It will not happen again."
Now, at the time, this is was not that big of an issue. But later, a few months after this it actually becomes a bigger issue. I was very annoyed though since it just seems like a blatant disregard for what we have requested in our adoption experience. How hard is it to just pay attention to paperwork? Apparently, more difficult than I thought.
Even though we were not open to twins, I still felt a little let down. Every time an opportunity presents itself there is an emotional high that you experience. What if THIS is the one. You allow yourself to think and talk about potentials and when the opportunity goes away you feel sad and wonder when the next call will come.
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